Series That Need to Die

If Brett Favre taught us anything, it’s that you should only send pictures of your dick to people you know really well.  But if he taught us anything else, it’s that knowing when to retire is important.  The entertainment industry is notorious for keeping series going for far too long, so here is a TV show, a video game franchise, and a movie series that need to end.

Weeds

Not actually

TV series are generally the worst about not going away, so there are many I could have talked about including The Office, Two and Half Men, and anything on the CW.  I chose to talk about Weeds because unlike shows from the CW and Two and a Half Men, I’ve actually seen most of the episodes and unlike The Office, in my opinion Weeds was never very good.

Since Weeds is a bit of an obscure show, I will quickly explain the premise.  Nancy Botwin is a widow living in the idyllic community of Agrestic in California.  In order to support her family she decides to start selling marijuana to her neighbors.  At least that’s what Weeds used to be about.  At the end of season 3 the show leaves Agrestic and  all the enjoyment and believability disappears.  Weeds, now entering its 7^th season, has become completely ridiculous.  The characters weren’t very likeable to begin with but now you can’t relate to them either.  I don’t want to ruin what is happening but trust me, it’s insane and not in a good way.

Grand Theft Auto

The good old days

The popularity of the GTA series means I will probably take flak for this, but I’m going to argue my point nonetheless.  Prior to GTA IV, I had a lot of fun with the series.  The missions were simple but fun, and if you ever got bored you could enter the cheat for a tank and destroy everything.  So in the weeks leading up to GTA IV’s release I was excited, especially after reading numerous reviews about how it was the best one yet.

Unfortunately, at some point during GTA IV’s development Rockstar decided that the series had become too fun so they threw several coats of realism onto the game.  In small doses, adding realism to video games isn’t a bad thing, but Rockstar went overboard. You spend the first few hours of GTA IV driving your annoying cousin around.  He calls you all the time and gets upset if you don’t immediately pick him up.  Then, there is a mission where you must drive to an Internet café and check your email. WHAT!?  I hate checking my email and answering annoying phone calls in real life, why would I want to in a video game?  At this rate, by GTA VI you will be working a 9 to 5 job while your pregnant wife calls every fifteen minutes saying she has a craving for Twinkies. 

I know the feeling

The likelihood of Rockstar ending the GTA series is roughly equivalent to the chance I have a 14-inch wiener (0 percent), so I hope they at least make future installments fun again. 

Saw

Saw movies hurt me a lot more than they hurt this guy

I couldn’t find any concrete evidence that an eighth Saw movie is in development, but I’m willing to bet one of my less important fingers that at some point it will be.  Admittedly I haven’t seen all seven, but according to Rotten Tomatoes, the ones I have seen are the best.  The first one had a certain amount of shock factor but that wore off quickly and now the entire series revolves around coming up with new and even more gruesome ways to torture people.

What’s more shocking is they keep making money.  Six of the seven have earned more than $100 million at the box office (Saw VI is the lone exception).   Combined, the series has earned more than $870 million at the box office, add the revenue from DVD sales, then subtract the combined budgets of $67 million and you arrive at an astounding fact:  the Saw movies have generated over one billion dollars in profit.  BILLION.

The Best of Netflix Instant

In which every Wednesday I talk about some of the best movies/TV shows available on Netflix Instant.  Check out a list of everything I have posted about in my Best of Netflix Instant Archive.

X-Men

I haven't seen so much leather in once place since this music video.

Normally I focus on films that people probably haven’t seen, but I made an exception for X-Men.  The superhero flick came out nearly eleven years ago (that makes me feel old) to a relatively lukewarm response.  Even as a kid I understood why,  X-Men was okay, but a bit underwhelming.  My opinion of the film only strengthened after it was released on DVD and until last week, I probably hadn’t seen it in almost eight years.  My decision to watch X-Men came solely as a result of boredom, but to my amazement I enjoyed it more than I had in theaters over a decade ago.  This struck me as odd but I think I know why.

Reason #1:

Unlike many big budget movies, the original X-Men didn’t rely on computer graphics.  There are some CGI sequences and those definitely look dated, but only one scene struck me as looking particularly bad. In that scene, Wolverine uses his claw to swing around a point on the crown of the Statue of Liberty.  Wolverine looks like something from a Playstation 2 video game, in other words, awful.  But other than that, most of the action sequences hold up surprisingly well.

Reason #2:

Since the original X-Men, there have been four additional films about the team of superheroes (X2, X3, X-Men: Origins, X-Men: First Class).  Those films, especially the most recent two helped to flesh out the reasons for the conflict between Magneto and Professor X as well as Wolverine’s past.  Magneto and the Professor aren’t just two old guys who like to battle each other with teams of mutants.  They used to be good friends but have different views on how to best serve the mutant community.  Wolverine isn’t just an angry d-bag; he has a long, colored past explored in X-Men: Origins (even if it sucked).  The extra background makes the characters far more interesting.  I loved the final scene of the movie where Professor X and Magneto play chess against each other, something they did as friends during First Class.

If you feel like giving X-Men a second chance (which you should), hurry because it will be removed from Netflix Instant on July 6^th.

The Pixar Story

Probably my favorite Pixar short.

The Pixar Story is a surprisingly entertaining documentary about the history of the animation studio.  On a couple of occasions I have mentioned how large of a (figurative) boner I have for Pixar, so I am biased, but I think most people will enjoy the lighthearted documentary.

When Pixar was still in its infancy, John Lasseter (one of Pixar’s founders) would work late into the night, sleep on a mattress under his desk for a few hours, then wake up and keep working.  All of the other Pixar employees interviewed had the same level of passion about making great-animated movies.  I found their enthusiasm absolutely infectious and easily the highlight of the film.

Considering that The Pixar Story is a pretty thinly veiled promotion for the company, I still had a great time with it and think there are definitely worse ways to spend an hour and a half.

Mad Men

I don't know who these people are, but it should be illegal to look this fly

Starting on July 27^th the critically acclaimed AMC TV series, Mad Men will be available to stream on Netflix.  I have never seen any episodes of the series but I’ve heard people rave about it, so I’m pretty excited to finally see if the show lives up to all the hype.

Trailer Trash Tuesday

In which I talk about some of the best and worst trailers.

Moneyball

I should start by admitting I have a soft spot for inspirational, non-fiction sports stories.  That being said, when I read about the movie I was skeptical.  Brad Pitt as a baseball general manager + Jonah Hill + Philip Seymour Hoffman + The Oakland Athletics =…huh?  The trailer changed my mind.  The main characters seems to fit well Brad Pitt is funny and Jonah Hill plays the endearing sidekick.

What interests me the most about Moneyball is the fresh take on sports movies.  At its core this film is a classic underdog story that has been told dozens of times in The Mighty Ducks, Hoosiers, Remember the Titans, Cinderella Man, the list goes on and on. Moneyball tells the story of underdogs but ultimately explains WHY they are successful.  It’s not some magical force (or angels) that propels the little guy past the bigger, faster, stronger opponent.  The underdogs ultimately had something special that no one else saw.  This film is going to hinge upon how well it explains to the average person what Pitt and Hill’s characters are trying to do.  But with a screenplay penned by Aaron Sorkin (The West Wing and The Social Network) it should succeed.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked

A parody of the “king of the world” scene from Titanic, SERIOUSLY?!  I thought after beating that horse along with all of its relatives to death, America had moved past those ten years ago.  Also, as a film meant to appeal to young children, why does a reference to Titanic sound like a good idea? 

Alvin and the Chipmunks has definitely become way less edgy over the last two decades.  I remember watching 1987’s The Chipmunk Adventure as a kid.  Its plot revolves around the Chipmunks and Chipettes smuggling blood diamonds around the world for cold-blooded criminals.  Here’s a short scene from the movie with the Chipettes singing about the dolls they smuggle diamonds in.  The guy in the limo at the very end of the clip looks like the biggest douchebag in the history of cinema.

Spy Kids: All the Time In The World

Is it mean of me to keep picking on movies meant for children? Probably.  Does that mean I’m going to stop? Absolutely not.

Let me get this straight, you are an international super spy in the possession of a crystal that has the ability to control time, so the safest place for the most powerful object known to man is around the neck of your new step child?  If anyone besides Jessica Alba made that decision I would question the logic, but as a rule I don’t question her. 

It’s hard to tell but the villain in that trailer is actually Jeremy Piven.  With Entourage entering its final season this doesn’t bode well for his career.  In fact, this doesn’t bode well for the careers of anyone in this film, except for Jessica Alba, I don’t question her career.

Falling Skies: Is it Worth Your Time?

This logo seems vaguely familiar...

Anyone who watched the NBA Finals on TNT has heard about Falling Skies, roughly thirty percent of the commercials were for it (the other seventy percent were for Green Lantern).  I have to admit, every time I hear about a new sci-fi TV show, the little asthmatic nerd that lives inside me gets all excited because while most sci-fi shows fail miserably, those that succeed do so in spectacular fashion (Battlestar Galactica, Serenity).  So last Sunday night I decided to watch the two-hour series premiere.

Skies begins with an extremely abridged story of the alien invasion, but actually picks up six months later.  The aliens (referred to as Skitters because they look like this) stay true to a long, storied tradition of movie/TV extraterrestrials, by being gigantic dicks and killing everything in sight.  Every country’s military along with about 90% of the Earth’s population has been wiped out and aliens ships have docked over major cities.

The story centers on a group of several hundred survivors in the outskirts of Boston trying to survive by any means necessary.  The group is led by Captain Weaver (Will Patton of Remember the Titans fame), Tom Mason (Noah Wyle) is his second-in-command and the show’s main character.  Unfortunately, the show’s characters are overly familiar.  Every one with significant screen time seems to be copied and pasted from other stories.  Weaver is the hardnosed military commander who is insensitive to the needs of civilians.  Mason is the moral, everyman, just trying to keep his family together, while his older child is rebellious to the point of being stupid, and his youngest son is the innocent one.  The only character I would classify as truly interesting is John Pope (Colin Cunningham), the leader of a gang with questionable motives.

The girl on the right is the token love interest and her name is Moon Bloodgood

While many of its characters are flat and generic, Falling Skies actually does a good job developing some interesting plot points and intrigue for the rest of the season.  For example, one of the characters very briefly mentions how its odd that the Skitters have six legs while their mechanized robots only have two legs, usually when humans think of robots, theirs have two legs.  There is also a brief conversation about the true purpose of the alien ships over cities.  If handled correctly, the numerous “seeds” planted in the pilot could develop into interesting story lines.

If Falling Skies’ premise is at all interesting to you, I recommend you give it a chance.  It probably won’t be the next great sci-fi series but if the storylines are ably developed along with some color added to the characters, the first season (only 10 episodes, so not much of a time commitment) could be well worth your while. 

New episodes of Falling Skies premiere every Sunday @ 10/9c on TNT.

Five Reasons Why Transformers: Dark of the Moon will be the best one yet

On June 29^th, the third and presumably last (at least for now) Transformers movie titled, Dark of the Moon will be released.  The first Transformers was an enjoyable summer flick, but because Revenge of the Fallen sucked, people are (understandably) pretty skeptical about the quality of the third installment.  Dark of the Moon has a lot working against it, but after deliberating with myself for a few days I have come to the decision that it will be better and more entertaining than the first two.  Here’s why:

#1 Better Transformers:

The first Transformers featured a relatively small cast of robots and that was fine.  Trying to cram any more robots into the first would have been a mistake.  Not surprisingly and with good reason, Revenge of the Fallen included more Transformers, so what went wrong?   The Transformers universe has some really cool robots, the original included did a good job picking out some of the best, but Fallen didn’t continue that trend.  The Transformers included in Fallen were all bad choices or portrayed terribly.
For Example:

Skids and Mudflap:

*Shakes Head*

Jetfire:

A Transformer should never have to use a cane

And most egregiously, Devastator:

I didn't think it was possible to make such an awesome Transformer suck so much, literally

I think Dark of the Moon will reverse this trend by including some of the best the Transformers has to offer (and no more Skids and Mudflap!).

Sentinel Prime:

He's pretty much Optimus Prime's dad (as much as a robot can have a dad)

Soundwave was in Fallen very briefly but should have a bigger role in Dark of the Moon. I couldn't find a picture of Soundwave but this is what he transforms into:

#2 Better Primary Villain:
I can't complain about using Megatron as the main villain in the original.  In the sequel, the Fallen initially had promise, but his character was botched in both his physical portrayal as well as his characterization:

Anorexia is not badass

The Fallen from the Transformers comics:

Being permanently on fire is way more badass

Meet the new primary villain, Shockwave:

HIS RIGHT ARM IS A GUN

Aside from looking way cooler than the Fallen, Shockwave is one of the best original Transformers.  He's merciless and calculating, everything a Decepticon should be.

#3 The Last Minute of This Trailer:

OMG, there is so much awesome packed into the last minute of that trailer.  Here’s a play-by-play:

At 1:33 Shockwave shows up looking badass.  In case you forgot, his entire right arm is a gun. 

At 1:35 people jump out of an osprey with squirrel suits.

At 1:38 the obligatory “OPTIMUS” scream from Shia Lebeouf.

At 1:40 Optimus responds to Shia’s yell by flying in with a jetpack and murdering Decepticons with the red-hot swords that pop out of his arms (nice try, Wolverine).

At 1:48 Bumblebee gets all heroic.

At 1:57 Shia Lebeouf shows that he has accomplished the impossible and somehow gotten over losing Megan Fox.

At 1:58, okay, she’s a pretty good alternative.

At 2:00 Optimus gives an inspirational, boner-inducing speech.

Starting at 2:08 a giant snake-like Transformer destroys a building, nbd.

#4 A Cooler Story:

The original Transformers had a very run-of-the-mill story and Revenge of the Fallen had more plots holes than I thought was humanly possible, but I have faith that Dark of the Moon’s story will at least meet the quality of the first one.  I’m not expecting Oscar quality stuff, but it should be passable.

The idea that the Space Race occurred because the US and USSR detected the crash landing of a Transformers ship on the Moon is a more compelling idea than anything from the first two.

After only helping out on the first two movies, Ehren Kruger took over as the lead writer for the latest Transformers.  Kruger might not have the strongest resume but him taking over is still a plus for three reasons.  Firstly, from what I have read on the Internets he has a much wider knowledge of the Transformers Universe than the previous writers. Secondly, after Fallen, Kruger can't possibly do a worse job than his predecessors.  Thirdly, we went to the same high school, so I have to give him the benefits of the doubt.

#5 The Buzz

Two others pieces of information helped me make my decision regarding the quality of Dark of the Moon.  The First is in May, Paramount Pictures announced that the movie’s release date had been moved from Friday, July 1^st to Wednesday, June 29^th.  The apparent purpose is to increase the positive buzz around Transformers going into the opening weekend.  The announcement came right around the time executives would have seen the movie’s final cut.  This could be a ploy by Paramount meant to fool people (me) into thinking Dark of the Moon will be good, but I doubt it. 

The second piece of information is the movie’s first and currently only review.  On May 14^th, Ain’t It Cool News said Dark of the Moon is “the best entry in the Michael Bay-directed franchise.”  I would like to think the website wasn’t bribed into giving a positive review and along with the moved release date, the timing seems to indicate that the movie is actually pretty good.

The Best of Netflix Instant

Netflix has been popular for a while, but their Instant feature has really exploded over the last three years.  In fact, Netflix accounts for more Internet traffic than any other source and understandably so. There is a great selection of movies available at the click of a mouse, but it can be hard to decide on what to watch.  The review section on Netflix is pretty unreliable and their score predicting how much you will like a specific movie/tv show isn’t much better.  So every Wednesday I’m going to talk about some of the very best videos available on Netflix Instant.  Check out a list of everything I have posted about in my Best of Netflix Instant Archive.

Touching the Void

Fun fact: that guy needs a wheelbarrow to carry around his balls, they are that huge

Touching the Void utilizes interviews and reenactments to tell the story of two climbers who attempted to summit a Peruvian mountain.   The attempt goes horribly wrong and what ensues is an absolutely astounding story of survival.  I was awestruck by what one of the climbers in particular endured and after watching Void I found myself searching the Internet for more information on the ill-fated expedition.  Hollywood couldn’t have made this up.  The only story I’ve ever heard that compares is the one about Aron Ralston, the climber who cuts his own arm off with a dull knife, it’s that ridiculous.

Many casual viewers hear the word “documentary” and immediately lose interest. I understand why, many of them are preachy or boring.  But trust me, if you spend two hours watching Touching the Void, you won’t regret it. 

Sherlock

The original bromance, but now it's been modernized!

Like Touching the Void, I stumbled upon Sherlock completely by accident.  I had never heard of it but I figured, “Sherlock Holmes is awesome, and he’s played by a guy with an even more awesome name, Benedict Cumberbatch.”  So I gave Sherlock a try and loved every minute of it.

The series takes place in modern times but still stays true to the legendary detective’s roots.  Holmes remains a deductive genius but is now also a tech wizard and oddly enough, really likes texting people.  Watson (played by Martin Freeman aka Bilbo Baggins in the upcoming Hobbit movies) is still the levelheaded, less brilliant sidekick, but is now a veteran of the Afghan War.   The little changes make for interesting twists in a familiar story, but the dialogue ultimately makes the show succeed.  As expected, the dichotomy between Sherlock and Watson is great, however, I found Sherlock’s (usually indirect) interactions with the shows’ criminals to be the most memorable. The crime weren’t the most intricate or mind-blowing, but watching Sherlock slowly circle-in on the surprisingly capable bad guys, was great TV.

Sherlock was extremely enjoyable and is only three 90-minute episodes, so it’s not much of a time commitment when compared to other TV shows.  If you’re bored, check it out. I'm already looking forward to this fall when the BBC releases Series 2.

Trailer Trash Tuesday

In which I talk about the Internet's best and worst trailers, but because there are very few new and interesting trailers this week, I’m going to talk about some of the worst trailers from recent years.

Transmorphers

You may have heard about Transmorphers, it achieved some attention a few years ago for its hilariously blatant rip off of Transformers.  I love that this is their formula for success: a big budget movie we can copy without having to completely change the name + actors who will work for free + special effects we stole from an Nintendo 64 game + enough people curious enough to find out how bad our movie actually is = Profit!

Here are some interesting (ridiculous) facts about Transmorphers:

•     Way too many people in the trailer are wearing sunglasses at night

•    The upcoming Transformers movie ($195 million budget) is 650 times more expensive than Transmorphers ($300,000 budget).   To put that into perspective this Porsche:

is only 600 time more expensive than this:

•      Transmorphers has a sequel called Transmorphers: Fall of Man.  It stars Bruce Boxleitner (the titular character from the original Tron) and was released less than a week before Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, what a strange coincidence!

Gooby


Everything about Gooby is creepy, his weird mouth and the way it moves, his deformed face, his beer belly, the fact that he exclusively hangs out with a little boy.  Even the name Gooby sounds creepy, like he would hide in your closet and come out at night to molest people.  Also, why does he have a Scottish accent?  There aren’t any bears in Scotland.

Tip Toe


You know what’s the most ridiculous part of this trailer?  Matthew McConaughey turns down a blowjob from Kate Beckinsale because he had to “get going.”  Wow, I’ve always thought McConaughey was dumb, but I seriously overestimated him.

The voiceover man may have blatantly lied when he said Kate Beckinsale and Matthew McConaughey had “command performances,” but he wasn’t lying when he said this is the “role of a lifetime” for Gary Oldman.  Even if Oldman spent the rest of his life desperately searching for a movie shittier than this, he wouldn’t be able to find one.

The Coolest Sounding Movies of 2012

 I don’t want to be too much of a Negative Nancy, so to balance out my last post I’m going to talk about some of the most enticing, less well-known movies of 2012.   In other words, I’m not going to be talking about The Dark Knight Rises, The Amazing Spider-Man, or the Star Trek sequel.

The Hunger Games (March 23, 2012)

Psh, only one arrow

Starring:

Jennifer Lawrence (Mystique from X-Men: First Class)

Josh Hutcherson

Liam Hemsworth  (Thor's brother)

Woody Harrelson

The Hunger Games is based on the first book in a trilogy written by Suzanne Collins.  In the interest of keeping this post shortish, I’m going to over simplify Hunger’s premise.  In the distant future a series of wars have changed North America. An extremely rich city known only as the “Capitol” came out on top and now rules over twelve large districts whose populations live in varying degrees of squalor. Every year the Capitol likes to remind all the districts what oppressive assholes they are, in an event called “The Hunger Games” (presumably to remind everyone in the districts how hungry they are).  Each district sends a teenage boy and girl to a large arena where the 24 “tributes” murder each other in a televised event equivalent in popularity to a week long Super Bowl.  The winner lives a life of fame and fortune while the other 23 don’t live at all. 

I’ve read all three books and think the series is pretty good, especially the first one.  The cast is pretty huge but the main components seem to fit their roles well.  It’s early, but The Hunger Games should make for a strong movie in an otherwise mundane looking March. 

Prometheus (June 8, 2012)

I hope this happens in Prometheus

Starring:

Noomi Rapace (Starred in the Swedish version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Charlize Theron

Idris Elba

Michael Fassbender aka Magneto

The upcoming film was originally announced as a prequel to Alien but will now be a stand-alone movie.  Details on Prometheus are pretty scarce, but you can bet it will somehow revolve around monstrous creatures in space.  This will be Scott’s first return to sci-fi since 1982’s Blade Runner, let’s hope he’s still got some magic. 

Brave (June 22, 2012)

Nice try, Disney

Starring:

Kelly Macdonald

Emma Thompson

Billy Connolly

And of course, John Ratzenberger

Brave will tell the story of a Scottish princess by the name of Merida who is unruly and goes on a mystical quest…yawn.  If any other studio announced a movie with that premise I would be extremely skeptical, but Pixar is not like any other studio. Going back to 2003, their last six original movies are: Up, Wall-E, Ratatouille, Cars, The Incredibles, and Finding Nemo.  Not a bad lineup.  The movie’s first trailer will be released in less than a week with Cars 2 so check back here for some analysis.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (June 22, 2012)

Starring:

Benjamin Walker as Lincoln

Rufus Sewell

Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Hahahaha, this idea amuses me to no end.  What’s the only thing that could make the greatest American president more awesome?  If Lincoln emancipated slaves (like a boss) by day and murdered blood-sucking vampires (like a boss) by night, all without taking off his sweet top hat.  Not sure how “good” this movie will be, but as long as the trailers are even slightly cool, I will be there.

Vampire Hunter and Brave are both set for release on June 22^nd of 2012.  This will kick-off an incredible month of movies, that also includes Star Trek, The Amazing Spider-Man, and The Dark Knight Rises.  If those movies can live up to expectations,  June 20th - July 20th could be greatest month in cinema since whatever month in 1986 Top Gun was released.

The Dumbest Sounding Movies of 2012

I found a list of all the high profile movies to be released in 2012.  Some of them sound awesome, others sound like everyone involved is probably on drugs. Here are the most ridiculous sounding ones:

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (February 17, 2012 Release)

The Cage hasn't looked this good in a while

Starring:

Nicolas Cage (shocking)

I didn’t recognize a single other name on the cast list

Superhero movies almost always get sequels, but I figured Ghost Rider had to be the exception to the rule.  There is nothing about it that warrants a sequel.  Shows you how much I know.  I tried to read Spirit of Vengeance’s premise to see what great ordeal Johnny Blaze (Cage) will have to endure this time, but it became physically painful after two sentences.  Don’t worry though, even without reading the entire premise I can say with 99.99% certainty that Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance will suck.



Battleship (May 18, 2012 Release)

Starring

Taylor Kitsch

Liam Neeson

Brooklyn Decker

Rihanna (seriously)

When I first saw this I thought it was a joke, but upon further research I discovered Battleship is definitely not a joke.  To quote the Wikipedia article, “Battleship is an upcoming 2012 science fiction naval war film base on the game of the same name.”  Yes, they mean this game:

LOL, look at the wife and daughter in the background

Was a movie executive playing Battleship against his 10 year-old son when he thought to himself, “Damn, he just sunk my battleship. WAIT A SECOND!  This could be box office gold.  I need to call my agent ASAP!”

Agent Upon Hearing Idea

If this is going to start a trend with board games, I’m requesting that Yahtzee, Chutes and Ladders, and Guess Who starring Sam Jackson are fast-tracked for the silver screen.

The Expendables 2 (August 27, 2012 Release)

ADRIAN!... Is over there

Starring:

Every action star past his prime

I couldn’t wait to see the first Expendables.  The movie featured some of the best action stars of all time.  What could go wrong?  Well, when you don’t even attempt to explain what the hell is going on or use the action stars well, something goes terribly wrong.  The original disappointed me so much that I no longer have any faith in the second. 

However, while reading about Expendables 2 I discovered a fun game.  From the list of actors who may be added to the cast tell me which one is not like the others: Person 1, Person 2, Person 3,  Person 4, or Person 5.

Movie Preview: The Amazing Spider-Man

In my opinion, Spider-Man and X-Men are Marvel’s two most valuable franchises.  The two movie series have generated billions of dollars in revenue and still have decades worth of comics to draw stories from.  So as long as superhero movies are popular, neither of Marvels two biggest cash cows will be completely dead.

The X-Men franchise underwent a reboot this summer and next summer Spider-Man will be getting the same treatment.  The Amazing Spider-Man is set to be released on July 3^rd, 2012 and will be taking the series back to its roots.  Yes, Peter Parker is going back to the awkward high school years (before this godforsaken scene) when a guy named Eugene “Flash” Thompson still bullied him.  Andrew Garfield, best known for his role as Eduardo in The Social Network, will be playing Spidey.  My only complaint about Garfield is that he is already 27 and will be playing a high schooler, however, I think he looks young for his age, so it isn’t a huge issue.  Here’s one of the first pictures of Garfield as the Wallcrawler:

Getting a boner while wearing that must be painful

Mary Jane is Spider-Man’s primary love interest but casting lists indicate she will be M.I.A. in the reboot.  Instead Emma Stone will play Gwen Stacy, who is essentially Peter Parker’s second-string love interest.

Not bad for a second-stringer

The film’s primary villain will be The Lizard, portrayed by Rhys Ifans.  There aren’t any images of the movie’s portrayal of The Lizard yet, but in the comics he was always very acrobatic and fast, so it should make for some great fight scenes.

He looks so intelligent in his lab coat

The movie’s credits also list Van Atter, a somewhat obscure Spider-Man villain who is basically a demonic version of the Green Goblin.  The extent to which Van Atter will be in the movie is unknown, but all signs seem to indicate that he (it?) will be secondary to the Lizard.  Here’s a picture of his comic book form:

Is he about to fart on that guy?

The cast is rounded out with Martin Sheen (#Winning) as Uncle Ben and Sally Field as Aunt May.  The internet rumor mill indicates that the first teaser trailer for Spider-Man will be shown with Transformers: Dark of the Moon.  Not sure if this is true, but I will Trailer Trash the teaser if it is.

Trailer Trash Tuesday

50/50 (September 30, 2011 Release)

Since starting this blog almost three weeks ago I have watched roughly infinity trailers, but 50/50's is hands-down my favorite.  This is a bit odd because normally I’m a fan of the ridiculous and absurd, like giant explosions, car chases, and crude humor.  But if the trailer is any indication, I think 50/50  will be charming and funny, as well as down-to-earth.  The movie won’t be released for another three and a half months, but this could be the sleeper hit of the Fall movie season.


Zookeeper (July 8, 2011 Release)

So, at night the animals in the zoo, which include a sassy monkey, become smart and start talking to the zookeeper.  Didn’t Night at the Museum use the same premise twice?  If your movie blatantly copies something that was mediocre to begin with, you’re probably going to have problems.  If your copied movie stars Kevin James, a guy in a gorilla suit voiced by Nick Nolte, and a lion voiced by Sylvester Stallone, you’re pretty much screwed.  On a side note, I’m willing to bet my left nut that James’ character ends up with Rosario Dawson's character, not Leslie Bibb.

This is also a good opportunity to point out one of the most baffling developments of the last century: Paul Blart: Mall Cop was one of 2009’s most profitable movies.  Blart earned more profit (revenue minus cost) in the United States than Up, Star Trek, District 9, The Watchmen, (500) Days of Summer, and Invictus. If that’s not a sign of the apocalypse, I don’t know what is. 

Shark Night 3D (September 2, 2011 Release)

This isn’t the most original movie either, they should just call it Piranha 3D: This Time we have Sharks.  I along with apparently every single commenter on Youtube would like to point out that the black man didn’t even make it through the trailer.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that was done on purpose.

Doesn’t Joel Moore have better things to do, such as starring in Grandma’s Boy 2?

Summer movie preview: June

 Today I'm previewing movie releases for the rest of June.  Note: On a count of my last post I'm not going to be previewing Green Lantern.

They even got a token fat kid

Released on June 10th, 2011

Official Trailer

Starring:
Kyle Chandler
The Doctor from The Walking Dead
Child actors I've never heard of
Dakota Fanning's sister

After Mission Impossible III and Star Trek, Super 8 is the third movie directed by J.J. Abrams.  Super 8 is set in the late 1970’s and is about an extraterrestrial that gets loose in a small Midwestern town.  People start disappearing, the government gets involved, and shit hits the fan.  The film follows a group of kids who are involved in many of the plot’s events.

Super 8 is meant to be a homage to movies from the 80’s, especially Spielberg’s (he’s a producer) E.T.  I’m not interested enough to see Super 8 in theaters but will definitely request it from Netflix in a few months.

Jim Carrey: how far you've fallen since Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
 and Dumb and Dumber

June 17, 2011 Release date

Official Trailer

Starring:
Jim Carrey
Carla Gugino
CGI Penguins

Does Hollywood have to ruin every book from my childhood?  At the very least don’t completely change the story and still call it Mr. Poppers Penguins.  I will not ever be seeing this movie (shocking, right?).  If someone tries to release a movie adaptation of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, I might cry.

WHY!?

June 24, 2011 Release
Official Trailer

Starring:
Owen Wilson
Michael Cane
Larry the Cable Guy (Why?!)

Pixar is one of the greatest things to ever happen.  The studio churns out an incredible film on almost a yearly basis and each one seems better and more popular than the last.  Recently however, Pixar has changed gears. After only releasing one sequel in its first ten movies, Toy Story 2, Pixar released Toy Story 3 and two of its next three movies will also be sequels.

 I don’t have a problem with making Toy Story 3, that franchise was a classic. I don’t even have a problem with the Monster Inc. prequel entitled Monsters University (set for a June 21, 2013 release).  I do have a problem with a Cars sequel.  I think Cars is the worst Pixar movie ever made, and critics tend to agree with me.  Every Pixar movie broke 90% on Rottentomatoes.com except for Cars, which has a 73%.  There are worse things than being called the “worst Pixar movie of all time,” Cars wasn’t terrible, it just didn’t reach the same level of innovation and imagination as their other movies.   Any disappointment I felt about the prospect of another Cars film only grew larger when I saw the trailer.  Spies? Poop jokes? Mediocre-looking action scenes? Come on Pixar!  You aren’t Dreamworks.  You have spoiled me for too long. I don’t want mediocre or pretty good, I want Pixar-quality.

I remember my first hangover

June 24, 2011 Release
Official Trailer

Starring:
Cameron Diaz
JT
Jason Segal
Phyllis from The Office (here real name is Phyllis too!)

I’ve heard more creative titles and normally I would hate on/not even consider seeing a movie with Cameron Diaz as the lead, but I find the completely absurd premise of this movie highly amusing.  Here is Bad Teacher's premise in a nutshell: horrible person becomes horrible teacher and that horrible person is also a gold digger.  In order to marry a rich guy, horrible person/teacher decides to start being a better teacher so she can get a bonus and buy new boobs to attract the aforementioned rich guy.  That sounds like the premise of an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  I still question how well an amusing premise will translate into an enjoyable movie, but I just might add this one to my Netflix queue.

For once in my life I'm completely speechless

June 19^th, 2011 Limited Release
the official trailer is not fit for this blog

The description I found for this movie is: “From original Japanese Translation: A film about a rapist that go around rapping father’s.  Ending where the victim seeks revenge.  A classic tale with a twist.  Of course, this is a comedy for our best enjoyment!”  Wow Japan, you’ve really topped yourself this time.

5 Reasons Why Green Lantern will suck

For months I have been saying that Green Lantern will suck. As the June 17^th release date approaches, I’m sticking to that, here’s why:

#1 The Cast:

What does every good comic book movie have in common?  A solid cast, it doesn’t guarantee a quality movie (see Batman & Robin) but to date every good comic book movie has had a strong cast.  For Example, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight boasted protagonists that included Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, Michael Cane, and Gary Oldman while the films’ antagonists are Liam Neeson and Heath Ledger.  The original X-Men series featured Patrick Stewart, Hugh Jackman, Ian McKellen, Anna Paquin, and Halle Berry while the reboot starred James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Kevin Bacon, and Jennifer Lawrence. 

 I’ll stop this now because I think you get the idea, I just don’t think Green Lantern’s primary cast of Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, Mark Strong, and Peter Sarsgaard (Tim Robbins is also listed as a “Star” but his role sounds limited) has anywhere near the talent level of the other movies.  Only Sarsgaard has received any sort of legitimate recognition for his acting, the other movies I mentioned all have highly decorated casts. 

#2 The Villain:

I don’t think a successful superhero movie necessarily NEEDS a great villain, it helps, but neither Iron Man had one.  However, the villain for Green Lantern seems laughable.  His name is Hector Hammond and this is what he looks like.

It looks like he has Elephantiasis on his forehead 

Sure, that big head makes him smart and telepathic but he looks ridiculous.  Compare his intimidation factor to this:

Still awesome

or this:

He put a bomb into one of his henchmen then set it off, I doubt  Hector Hammond will be doing that.

#3 The Director:

Martin Campbell is the director for Green Lantern and whereas the X-Men: First Class director, Matthew Vaughn, has the Midas Touch, Campbell seems a bit lacking.  Three of his first films are The Sex Thief, Eskimo Nell, and Intimate Games.  If you’re thinking to yourself, “Those sound like the names of porn movies,” that’s because they are the names of porn movies.  But, I won’t hold those against him, they were shot in the 70’s.
What I will hold against him are some of his more recent movies, which include, Vertical Limit (sucked), The Legend of Zorro (sucked), Edge of Darkness (tried to imitate better movies but still sucked), and Beyond Borders (never seen it but supposedly sucked horribly).  Campbell did have one gem in Casino Royale and one decent movie in Goldeneye but the latter of the two holds the dubious distinction of being the only movie in history to have a game adaptation be far superior than the movie.

#4 LOL:

The Green Lanterns have one weakness, the color yellow.  Yellow is the color of sunshine and daisies but Green Lanterns are powerless against it.  This already makes me question how “super” Green Lanterns actually are, but this pretty much kills it for me.

#5  Almost too much marketing:

This last reason is pretty nit-picky, but five reasons sounds better than four and this has been annoying me.  Is it really necessary to put a trailer on every single commercial break and website and to even have a really lame sponsorship of the NBA Finals?  I have seen enough trailers for Green Lantern over the past three weeks to make me sick of every scene shown. In addition, I have seen enough of the movie from trailers to completely predict the storyline.