The Eccentricities of Kim Jong-il

Kim Jong-il, the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, reportedly died yesterday.  While not particularly relevant to this blog, his amazing life deserves a post.

Kim Jong-il's origins are mysterious, Soviet documents claim that he was born in Siberia in 1941 while the Japanese occupied Korea.  I suppose that's possible but you would think such a miraculous man would have more miraculous origins which is why I agree with North Korea's official record of his birth.  The record says that, "In 1941 a magical hummingbird visited the People of North Korea foretelling the birth of Kim Jong-il."  It continues that the prophecy was fulfilled on Mount Paektu, "the highest mountain ever." Kim Jong-il then "emerged, walking from his mother's Patriotic and Revolutionary Vagina six months early and without the aid of a physician, thus rendering the Korean medical community irrelevant.  In shame, all doctors fled our Great and Innovative Nation never to return."  My only complaint with the account is that Mount Paektu is 18,000 feet too short to be the tallest mountain in the world.  Other than that it seems legit.

Kim Jong-il quickly developed a hatred of short people so it's a good thing he grew to a towering 5'3" (5'7" in platform shoes).  His hatred of short people caused him to try and eliminate vertically challenged individuals from the population.  His genius plan involved advertising a growth pill throughout the country.  Anyone who tried to receive the pill was subsequently deported to uninhabited islands.  Problem solved.

It's like he's looking into that radishes soul

Coming from a life of privilege and de facto royalty, Kim Jong-il understandably developed refined tastes. His favorite drink was Hennessy Cognac, a fine liquor that costs over $600 a year.  He spends $700,000 a year on the drink.  In addition, his fear of flying means he was forced to travel in a stuffy armored train where according to a Russian emissary, "Kim had live lobsters air-lifted to the train everyday." Why not when the average North Korean makes a whopping $900 a year?

When not leading North Korea's juggernaut of an economy that just sneaks by Turkmenistan to crack the top 90, Kim Jong-il liked to relax and watch one of his 20,000 DVDs and video tapes.  His favorites included, "Friday the 13th, Rambo, Godzilla, and Hong Kong action cinema, and any movie starring Elizabeth Taylor."  In an attempt to jumpstart the North Korean film industry he borrowed (kidnapped) a South Korean director and his actress wife.  Always the cultured man, Kim also composed six operas and starred in 2004's Team America: World Police.  

Not wanting his body to become frail and weak, Kim also devoted much time to perfecting his godlike physique and athletic prowess.  In his first ever round of golf Kim shot 38 under-par making him roughly ten times better than pre-adultery Tiger Woods and 20 times better than post-adultery Woods.  Aside from himself,  Kim Jong-il's favorite athlete is the legendary Michael Jordan.  He reportedly has tapes of thousands of Jordan's games and placed a basketball signed by Jordan into North Korea's Museum of International Understanding.  The man also didn't shit, according the the North Korean state web site Kim didn't defecate.  I wish I was making this up.

He had the biceps of a god

As the world says goodbye to the "Dear Leader," a humble, caring man who only owned 17 palaces, I hope North Korea can survive without him.  His youngest son and successor, Kim Jong-un, has huge, size six, shoes to fill.