Trailer Trash Tuesday: I Was Too Tired to Post Yesterday Edition

Due to a 24-hour video game marathon I finished last night, I originally meant to call this the 'Sleep Deprived Edition"but I fell asleep at my computer before I could get anything done, go figure.


The funniest part about that trailer is definitely it's description on YouTube which says, "Comedy mad man Andy Dick (Old School) leads a winning ensemble cast..."  If you're thinking to yourself, "Andy Dick wasn't in Old School" you're not alone.  I checked and he is in the movie for one three-minute uncredited scene where he dresses in drag and teaches some women how to give blowjobs, seriously. So, according to Image Entertainment, the poster of that video, his role in Old School is his most noteworthy.  Wikipedia might refer to him as a comedian but that's a stretch, his name is probably the funniest thing about him.




Apparently Sasha Baron Cohen is moving away from Borat and Bruno and getting real actors who are in on the joke.  I understand why, Borat was very funny but Bruno was significantly less so and I doubt another film of the same style would be much of an improvement.  It's hard to further up the ante. 

I find the idea of a movie about a ridiculous dictator amusing but I don't know how well it will translate into an entire film.  Regardless, Sasha Baron Cohen has answered the age-old question, "What do you do to follow-up an attempted gay sex tape with Ron Paul?"  



Clash of the Titans is a recipient of my Expendables Award, which goes to a movie that had an awesome trailer and got me all excited but ended completely shitting the bed.  I remember thinking that the over-the-top action sequences pitting Perseus against mythological evils wouldn't be though-provoking cinema but would still be entertaining and memorable. I was only half right.  Clash of the Titans wasn't thought-provoking, entertaining, or memorable.  Many of the action sequences were hard to follow, many of the characters were stupid, and while I don't require a Stephen King quality plot, I at least want my movies to make sense. So, while I think Wrath of the Titans has a pretty awesome trailer, I refuse to get my hopes up.




This week's Trailer Trash Throwback: another recipient of the Expendables Award.

24-Hour Video Game Marathon

The few days following Christmas are some of the most wonderful days of the year.  Schools out, there are infinity leftovers to eat, and I generally have more video games to play than I know what to do with.  This year is no different so I've decided to have a 24-hour video game marathon with some of my friends. This will allow me to make a (small) dent in the number of video games I have to play.  Check back throughout the next 24-hours for updates and probably a little bit of insanity as the sleep deprivation kicks in.

The First Result when I Googled "Game Marathon," I have no idea.

Update @ 8:00 PM:  We have enough beer, pizza, and energy drinks to make it through the night.  Starting with Uncharted 3.  Time to kill lots of faceless mercenaries and destroy every ancient artifact in the Middle East!  24 hours to go.


9:00 PM: Made it through chapters 9 and 10 of Uncharted, taking a break to watch friend play through Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary Edition, some things get better with age.  Except for The Library, that level just gets more annoying.  Here's a shot of our set-up:

Behold: One of the nerdiest places in Northern Virginia over the next 23 hours

10:15 PM: Random thoughts about Uncharted 3: the characters' eyes look way better in this game.  In Uncharted 2 they looked creepy and bug-like, now they are much more realistic.  The new hand-to-hand combat system is pretty cool but the game tries to force you to use it way too often.  Just because a guy looks like Jason Statham doesn't mean you have to punch, guns work way better.  Here's a picture of a chimp unwrapping a present:

It made me happy

1:30 AM: Nathan Drake's life is defined by Murphy's Law, anytime it would be really inconvenient for something to go wrong, it goes horribly wrong.  In one small portion of the game Nathan managed to destroy a cruise ship and a gigantic plane.  If the robot uprising ever happens we just need him to touch Skynet.  Then the evil computer will immediately explode in an extremely cinematic manner and Darke will emerge with his hair and his body unharmed.  

Made it to the last third of the Uncharted.  Apparently there's a twist and I think I've figured it out.


5:00 AM: Just beat Uncharted 3. The combat system and graphics received some minor upgrades but the story felt like a step back after the superb storytelling of the second in the series.  That being said, I still enjoyed playing through Uncharted's best Indiana Jones impression.  I hope Naughty Dog keeps the series going. 

Next up: Batman: Arkham City and some Gears of War Xbox Live


8:30 AM: Apparently there is an even higher concentration of 12 year-olds on Xbox Live at 8 AM because everyone else is asleep.  I want to avoid this, so I think it's time to get breakfast.


10:00 AM: Back from breakfast.  Nothing against Arkham City but it starts a bit slow and my sleep-deprived brain wants something more ridiculous.  So I'm going to start the only game that allows you to throw feces at strippers, Saints Row 3.  If this can't keep me awake there's no hope.


11:15 AM: In the first thirty minutes of Saints Row 3 I robbed a bank, destroyed six helicopters, went to jail, got out of jail, jumped out of a plane, and killed over twenty men while in free fall.  I did all of these things as an obese green man with a British accent and an anime style haircut.  I think I'm in love.


12:45 PM: Two hours into Saints Row I've come to two important realizations:
1.  Your character can die.  At points early in the game I was shot by a squad of thugs more times than Sonny Corleone but my character seemed unfazed.  I began to wonder if it was even possible to die.  My question was answered during a fight with dozens of heavily armed gang members, I tried to drive away but my battered car soon exploded and killed me.  
2. The Penetrator is a very affordable melee weapon.

Yep, that's the penetrator

4:00 PM:  Getting to the home stretch now.  Only four hours to go but I'm definitely starting to slip a little bit. The excitement of punching people in their weiner in Saints Row 3 has worn off.  Probably time to crack my last Red Bull.


6:45 PM: Too... many... video games.  I think the morality in Saints Row is starting to rub off on me.  I must fight this by watching Love Actually ASAP.

Trailer Trash Tuesday: Too Many Trailers! Part 2

  Without a doubt The Expendables tops my list of most disappointing movies of all time.  The thought of Stallone, Statham, Li, and Lundgren in the same film got me ridiculously excited.  Unfortunately, The Expendables had no plot.  Even a ton of badasses shooting each other needs some context, so I left the theater feeling very let down.  Now Stallone is back and trying his best to get me all excited again but I won't be swayed so easily.  Bigger roles for Arnold and Bruce Willis?  Not enough, Arnold is creepy now anyways.  Van Damme and Chuck Norris?  Still not excited, I get my daily dose of Chuck Norris from the Internet.  Director Simon West aka the man who directed both Con Air AND the music video for "Never Gonna Give You Up"?  FINE, you win Stallone, I'm excited.

  If you still aren't convinced this movie will be awful, allow me to fix that.  Not only is Snooki in this film but so is the entire cast of The Jersey Shore.  God help us.

I've never liked the concept of a dog show.  Admittedly, I've never been to one but judging dogs seems strange.  I couldn't care less whether or not my dog is pure bred or "perfectly proportioned."  So I find the idea of an award for the ugliest dog hilarious.

I was all done with my post and ready to go to bed until I saw this:

Awesome, I wasn't particularly excited when New Line announced that The Hobbit would be split into two movies.  It seemed like a shameless money grab but maybe there is enough material to justify it.  Regardless, I really enjoyed that surprisingly long trailer and can't wait to return to Middle-Earth.

Trailer Trash Tuesday: Too Many Trailers Edition! Part 1

   I think it's safe to call The Dari Knight Rises the most highly anticipated films of the last five years.  So this trailer has generated pretty significant buzz and for good reason.  It's the first one to show a significant amount of new stuff, especially when compared to the last one.  We get the first (real) footage of Tom Hardy as Bane, Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as John Blake, a Gotham City cop.  There's also a couple cool shots of an upgraded Batmobile and possibly an incarnation of the Batwing at 1:50!  I'm thinking about cryogenically freezing myself for seven months.




Ugh, when they first announced this I was pretty excited but this trailer dampened my expectations substantially.  Jack is looking more and more like a blatant attempt to mimic 2010's Alice in Wonderland and cash-in just like Tim Burton's fantasy epic.  Both put a twist on classic fairytales, have similar visual styles, use an established cast and director, and introduce a relative newcomer as the lead.   Speaking of Jack the Giant Killer's lead, I remember Nicholas Hoult playing Beast in X-Men: First Class and he doesn't strike me as a leading man.  




   I love it when a trailer comes out of nowhere and pleasantly surprises me.  As a twenty-one year old male I expected to have no interest whatsoever in a movie about pregnant women.  My Twilight-alarm was screaming to run away, drink a beer, and watch Rambo but luckily I sat through that hilarious trailer.  I still don't know if I'll see it in theaters but Elizabeth Banks and the badass group of dads are making a pretty strong case.  


Check back late tonight for part 2

Movie Posters: Prometheus, The Dark Knight Rises, and Abe Lincoln

Some really cool posters have been hitting the Internet over the last week so I'm going to do a quick post about them.  Before I get started, be sure to check back tomorrow for the most massive edition of Trailer Trash in the history of this blog.  There have been tons of trailers posted recently and I'm going to talk about at least six tomorrow.  Now for the posters!

Yep, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, the book that raised a million eyebrows is getting a big-budget Hollywood adaptation.  The cast includes:

Benjamin Walker as the 16th President of the United States who moonlights as a vampire hunter
Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Mary Todd Lincoln
Rufus Sewll as the lead vampire
Alan Tudyk as Stephen A. Douglas one of Lincoln's political rivals

I don't know much about the lead actor, the book, or the director so making any bold claims about this film would be foolish but I'm still irrationally excited for this.

Not much for me to say about TDKR that hasn't already been said.  This poster is pretty awesome though.  Can't wait for July 20th.  Check back tomorrow for some comments on the latest trailer.

I won't beat around the bush regarding Prometheus, I expect this to be awesome. Originally planned as a prequel to Alien, this will be Ridley Scott's third science fiction film after Blade Runner and the aforementioned Alien , two classics in the genre.  In addition, Prometheus has an awesome cast including Charlize Theron, Michael Fassbender, Guy Pearce and rising stars Idris Elba and Noomi Rapace.  The first trailer for Prometheus is set to release Thursday.

The Eccentricities of Kim Jong-il

Kim Jong-il, the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, reportedly died yesterday.  While not particularly relevant to this blog, his amazing life deserves a post.

Kim Jong-il's origins are mysterious, Soviet documents claim that he was born in Siberia in 1941 while the Japanese occupied Korea.  I suppose that's possible but you would think such a miraculous man would have more miraculous origins which is why I agree with North Korea's official record of his birth.  The record says that, "In 1941 a magical hummingbird visited the People of North Korea foretelling the birth of Kim Jong-il."  It continues that the prophecy was fulfilled on Mount Paektu, "the highest mountain ever." Kim Jong-il then "emerged, walking from his mother's Patriotic and Revolutionary Vagina six months early and without the aid of a physician, thus rendering the Korean medical community irrelevant.  In shame, all doctors fled our Great and Innovative Nation never to return."  My only complaint with the account is that Mount Paektu is 18,000 feet too short to be the tallest mountain in the world.  Other than that it seems legit.

Kim Jong-il quickly developed a hatred of short people so it's a good thing he grew to a towering 5'3" (5'7" in platform shoes).  His hatred of short people caused him to try and eliminate vertically challenged individuals from the population.  His genius plan involved advertising a growth pill throughout the country.  Anyone who tried to receive the pill was subsequently deported to uninhabited islands.  Problem solved.

It's like he's looking into that radishes soul

Coming from a life of privilege and de facto royalty, Kim Jong-il understandably developed refined tastes. His favorite drink was Hennessy Cognac, a fine liquor that costs over $600 a year.  He spends $700,000 a year on the drink.  In addition, his fear of flying means he was forced to travel in a stuffy armored train where according to a Russian emissary, "Kim had live lobsters air-lifted to the train everyday." Why not when the average North Korean makes a whopping $900 a year?

When not leading North Korea's juggernaut of an economy that just sneaks by Turkmenistan to crack the top 90, Kim Jong-il liked to relax and watch one of his 20,000 DVDs and video tapes.  His favorites included, "Friday the 13th, Rambo, Godzilla, and Hong Kong action cinema, and any movie starring Elizabeth Taylor."  In an attempt to jumpstart the North Korean film industry he borrowed (kidnapped) a South Korean director and his actress wife.  Always the cultured man, Kim also composed six operas and starred in 2004's Team America: World Police.  

Not wanting his body to become frail and weak, Kim also devoted much time to perfecting his godlike physique and athletic prowess.  In his first ever round of golf Kim shot 38 under-par making him roughly ten times better than pre-adultery Tiger Woods and 20 times better than post-adultery Woods.  Aside from himself,  Kim Jong-il's favorite athlete is the legendary Michael Jordan.  He reportedly has tapes of thousands of Jordan's games and placed a basketball signed by Jordan into North Korea's Museum of International Understanding.  The man also didn't shit, according the the North Korean state web site Kim didn't defecate.  I wish I was making this up.

He had the biceps of a god

As the world says goodbye to the "Dear Leader," a humble, caring man who only owned 17 palaces, I hope North Korea can survive without him.  His youngest son and successor, Kim Jong-un, has huge, size six, shoes to fill.  

Trailer Trash Tuesday: Wednesday Edition

Over the last week and a half finals have made it nearly impossible for me to post but now I'm on Winter Break!  That means I'm going to have way too much time on my hands and am going to post all the time.  GET EXCITED


After not being able to post yesterday I was going to wait to until next Tuesday but there are way too many new trailers.

The creators of Battleship apparently have the "Making a Trailer for a Big Budget Action Movie" handbook and are following it to the word.  It has crazy special effects, robot sounds, hot women, skyscrapers blowing up, important government officials sitting around a table, a military base under attack, and a cameo for Megatron.  

The cast list for Battleship says that Alexander Skarsgard plays "Stone Hopper, Commanding Officer of the USS Sampson."  Stone Hopper?  That's a weak attempt at a badass action hero name, I can think of way better ones.  What about John Hammersmith? Lincoln Matrix? Luther Spartan? Duke Armstrong?  

Normally the only of musicals I like are the ones that have the word "Muppets" somewhere in the title.  People singing and dancing just isn't the same as Kermit, Fozzy, and Gonzo singing and dancing.  However, at the very least I think I can give a musical featuring catchy 80's music, Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Paul Giamatti a chance.  

This Week's Trailer Trash Throwback: In honor of the 10-year anniversary of the beginning of one of the greatest film trilogies of all time