Trailer Trash Tuesday

In which I talk about some of the best and worst trailers.

The Walking Dead: Season 2

For those of you who don’t know, The Walking Dead is a television adaptation of a comic series about a zombie apocalypse.  Critics loved season 1 and the number of viewers easily surpassed AMC’s two flagships shows, Mad Men and Breaking Bad.  The story revolves around a group of survivors led by former cop Rick Grimes (the guy with the rock) in the suburbs of Atlanta.  I’m especially excited for season 2 because I have read most of The Walking Dead comics and they only get better.

 The bad news is that season 2 won’t premiere until October 16^th; the good news is that the upcoming season will be 13 episodes as opposed to 6!  So we can all be entertained while sharpening our axes and machetes in preparation for the actual zombie apocalypse.

Haywire

Wow, this has to be one of the most surprising things I’ve ever seen.  A film directed by Steven Soderbergh (Traffic and the Ocean films) with Ewan McGregor, Michael Fassbender, Antontio Banderas, Michael Douglas, and Bill Paxton in supporting roles seems like a recipe for success. BUT, Gina Carano aka Crush from the American Gladiators reboot is the lead.  WTF?  Carano has been in one movie, Ring Girls.  I don’t see how it’s possible for her to be an even decent actress. I just hope she never reads this post, because she could definitely kick my ass.

While we're on the subject of American Gladiators check out this classic video.

Final Destination 5

The degree to which the Final Destination and Saw series have endured (and thrived) means I have severely underestimated people’s desire to watch other people die horrible, gruesome deaths.  Is this an evolutionary thing?  Why is that enjoyable?

In fact, the Final Destination series seems to be gaining momentum.  This is the first in the series released sooner than three years after the previous installment and if successful will spawn a sixth and seventh film in the near future.  I thought calling the fourth film The Final Destination implied the series would end but I guess that was wishful thinking.

Captain America: Is It Worth Seeing?

 Captain America: The First Avenger tells the story of Steve Rogers, a skinny and physically weak New Yorker with a big heart, who is chosen to be the first in a new breed of super soldiers in the war against Nazi Germany.  The Captain has always been one of my favorite heroes.  He's a classic underdog who obtains the means to expand his abilities but he still isn't bullet proof or ridiculously over powered like Superman.  The serum just made him achieve the peak of human fitness.  He is also bad ass who never surrenders. So I had high hopes for his first movie adaptation since this awful 1990 film:

Oddly enough, prior to Rogers (Chris Evans) receiving the super soldier serum injections I have no complaints about the film.  Hugo Weaving was a great choice for the maniacal , Red Skull.  His Nazi sympathies and pursuit of an extremely powerful mythical object reminded me of a villain from the Indiana Jones series.  Meanwhile, Rogers' portrayal as the gutsy skinny kid who can't pass an army physical works well. He desperately wants to help defeat the Nazis but can't due to his physical limitations, so he's stuck in New York wearing hilariously short ties.

Was that normal in the 40's?

 My favorite scene of the movie's first half occurred at Dr. Abraham Erskine's (Stanley Tucci) selection camp when Rogers manages to succeed where more athletic man had failed due to his mental savvy.  Unfortunately, once Captain America is born he stops using his brain altogether.  All of his plans are a simple three step process:

Step 1: Locate Nazis
Step 2: Punch every Nazi in the face, occassionally throw shield
Step 3: Turn around as something explodes in the background

Mission Successful

 This is sad because the Captain's best comic book portrayals have all included his abilities as a leader and a brilliant tactician.  He is the "leader" of a small team of lovable misfits but doesn't seem to do any leading or planning aside from telling his men about his ground-breaking three step process.  I think this is a major mistake because Captain America will be leading The Avengers in the upcoming film of the same name (sit through the credits and you will get a teaser for it).

Also, the Red Skull's plan and motivations are never really explained.  He seems to have one-upped Captain America by developing an even more simplistic process for being a supervillian:

Step 1: Get mystical item, don't explain what it does
Step 2: Kill everyone, don't explain why

"My brilliant plan is halfway complete!"

The second half of the movie isn't bad, it's just very mindless and a let-down after the cool retro feel of the first half.


Is it worth seeing? 

If you usually enjoy superhero films, check out Captain America: The First Avenger just don't expect The Dark Knight or Iron Man it's more comparable to Iron Man 2 in terms of quality.  But if you are a fan of Captain America from the comic books, especially Ultimate Captain America, prepare to be somewhat bothered by the direction taken by director Joe Johnston.

The Best of Netflix Instant

In which every Wednesday I post about some of the best TV shows/movies available on Netflix Instant.  Check out a list of everything I have posted about in my Best of Netflix Instant Archive.

It's been a hectic week (partly because my computer broke) so I haven't had time to watch anything new on Netflix Instant.  As a result, I will be posting about an old favorite that you probably haven't seen.

The Iron Giant

In my opinion, The Iron Giant is the most under-appreciated and most-forgotten animated film of all time.  Released in 1999, the film tells the story of a lonely boy living in Maine during the height of the Cold War who discovers and befriends a gigantic alien robot. Critics (rightfully) loved The Iron Giant but audiences (wrongfully) never seemed to care.

Fun Fact of the day: Vin Diesel is the voice of the Iron Giant

With great animations, an accessible but surprisingly deep story, and solid voice acting, The Iron Giant had it all.  Ultimately, the film failed commercially for a variety of reasons but many of those involved blame Warner Bros.  Director Brad Bird (The Incredibles, Ratatouille) said it was a, "mis-marketing campaign of epic proportions at the hands of Warner Bros., they simply didn't realize what they had on their hands."  I can imagine Warner Bros. executives face-palming after the The Iron Giant achieved a 97% approval rating on Rottentomatoes.

Even if you aren't a fan of cartoons, I think you will still find something to love about what may be the greatest non-Disney (or Pixar) animated film of all time.

Trailer Trash Tuesday

In which I talk about some of the best and worst trailers.

The Dark Knight Rises (July 20th, 2012)

I won't talk about this too much because everything in this teaser has just confirmed what I already thought, but I had to post the first trailer for 2012's biggest, most anticipated movie.  I liked the short clip at the end of Bane bearing down on an exhausted Batman.  If you look closely you can see someone dressed in white behind Batman, I wonder who that could be.

Contagion (September 7th, 2011)

Considering the level of concern about a flu outbreak, I'm actually surprised getting a big budget movie about a potential disease pandemic (that doesn't involve zombies) took this long.  Laurence Fishburne's response to the question about whether someone weaponized the bird flu ("Someone doesn't have to weaponize the bird flu, the birds are already doing it"), was a particularly chilling and memorable line.
With Steven Sodrebergh (The Ocean series and Traffic) as director and a cast that includes Matt Damon, Laurence Fishburne, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, and Gwyneth Paltrow, consider me intrigued.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (December 16th, 2011)

2009's Sherlock Holmes wasn't bad, but I can't help and think these movies are missing the point.  Wikipedia describes Holmes as famous, "for his astute logical reasoning, his ability to take almost any disguise, and for his use of forensic skills to solve almost any case."  Note that it doesn't say he is famous for his ability to fight henchmen, make witty comments, or run through explosions in slow motion.  I had hoped the introduction of Sherlock's brilliant nemesis, Professor Moriarty, would make the sequel a duel between two geniuses but the trailer seems to indicate an even further slide towards mindless action.  Ultimately, Warner Brothers is just using the name "Sherlock Holmes" to sell as many tickets as possible.

Ranking the Harry Potter Films

This is a bittersweet moment for me.  I read the first Harry Potter book over twelve years ago and have been entranced ever since.  Now the films are over and I'm going to pay tribute with my longest post ever, a countdown of the Harry Potter movies from worst to best.

Before starting I would like to make two important notes .  Firstly, I considered each film as part of the film series, not as a movie adaptation of the books.  In other words, I didn’t consider how loyal of an adaptation a particular movie was.  However, I did penalize a film if it somehow hindered the continuity of the films.  Secondly, the earlier films get a small handicap in the special effects department because we’ve come a long way in ten years.

#8 The Chamber of Secrets

*Cough* you are going to get married *Cough*

Being referred to as “the worst Harry Potter movie” shouldn’t be considered an insult, I’m not saying Chamber is bad.  It does however, have the worst main plotline.  A gigantic basilisk is murdering students because a magical  diary convinced a young girl to open the Chamber of Secrets?  Even for a film about magic and the impossible things it can do, that’s a little bit ridiculous. Also, Chamber does less to advance the overall story of the series than any other movie, you could remove it and not have too many problems.  This is particularly bad because The Chamber of Secrets is the longest film at 161 minutes. 

Writing about Chamber got me thinking, in order to get so big the basilisk must eat a lot, but what does he eat?  I consulted the all-knowing Google to find out.  Apparently the Basilisk eats gingers.

#7 The Goblet of Fire

Lol

Goblet gets major points deducted because the first half hour is one giant cocktease revolving around the Quidditch World Cup.  We witness the journey through a portkey to a huge wizard tailgate.  Once Harry and friends finally reach the awesome stadium, we are treated to an epic sequence introducing the competing sides.  Then the Minister of Magic gives a speech welcoming everyone and shoots a ball of light out of his wand to begin.  The next scene is Harry and Ron talking about how the match was the most incredible thing ever…  All of that buildup and you didn’t actually show anything?!  Star Wars didn’t just skip over the Death Star battle to a scene with Luke and Han talking about how awesome it was.  I felt left out.

After that, the film does hit its stride with three thrilling action sequences and the rebirth of Voldemort.  Although I did find the frenetic pace somewhat exhausting.  I doubt this would have ever happened but perhaps Goblet deserved to be split into two films.

#6 The Deathly Hallows Part 1

I wish they had done this with Hermione

Part 1 of The Deathly Hallows finds itself in the bottom three because much of the middle hour focuses on Harry, Hermione, and (sometimes) Ron having conversations in scenic places before getting into an argument.  This gets monotonous, especially when compared to the other later films. However, I thought the cartoon explaining the Deathly Hallows was a great touch and I found myself tearing up a little bit when Dobby died, impressive considering how infrequently he was in the films.

#5 The Sorcerer’s Stone 

When compared to the later installments, The Sorcerer’s Stone comes off as juvenile and naïve, but that’s deliberate.  After all, the characters are still very young and the tone helps get across how wondrous magic is to Harry.  This is before he knows about killing curses, Death Eaters, and Dementors.  Magic is still a force for good.  I also think Voldemort’s two cameos are both unnerving and well done.  What I will fault the movie for is the questionable acting, the inexperience of the young actors comes through in some scenes.

Overall, I think The Sorcerer’s Stone accomplishes everything it set out to do and provides a solid set-up so we can dive deeper into the world of magic in later films.

#4 The Order of the Phoenix 

Do they have to store prophesies in such a creepy room?

 I think the first film with Voldemort back in the wizarding world is handled very well.  The Dark Lord acts logically by gathering his forces and attempting to discover what made Harry immune to his attack. Meanwhile, Harry begins to step into his role as the only one who can stop Voldemort. The fight between the Order and the Death Eaters in the Department of Mysteries is fantastic, the first real battle with magic we get to see.  Immediately afterwards, the duel between Voldemort and Dumbledore, the two greatest wizards alive, tops that.  

My biggest complaint is the underuse of some incredible actors.  Helena Bonham Carter, David Thewlis, and Emma Thompson are reduced to little more than cameo roles.

#3 The Prisoner of Azkaban

Harry and Hermione are definitely going to end up together, I'm sure of it

The last forty-five minutes of Azkaban provides numerous memorable scenes including Harry’s patronus, the realization that Peter Pettigrew is Scabbers, and the first glimpse of Sirius Black, the insane murderer.    These scenes really show-off how the young leads have come into their own as actors.  Meanwhile, each Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher has his or her own merits but I think Lupin is my favorite.  His relationship with Harry seems very real and his back story is compelling.

The Prisoner of Azakaban ultimately fails to climb any higher on the list for two reasons.  I think too much time is spent on the Buckbeak storyline because in the end he only provides something for Sirius to fly away on and the existence of the time-turner bothers me.  If wizards have the ability to travel through time why is it only used so Hermione can go to more classes? 

#2 The Half-Blood Prince

The wizarding world's helmet technology is clearly lagging behind

It’s hard for me to put into words why precisely Half-Blood Prince surpasses six Harry Potter movies.  To put it simply, I really enjoy watching this film.  When it becomes serious, especially during the scenes involving Harry and Dumbledore, it’s great.  When the scenes are more lighthearted, such as those between Ron and Lavender. I think it still works.

I have heard people complain that Half-Blood Prince has some superfluous scenes, such as Slughorn’s dinner party, which is entirely lighthearted. However, I don’t have a problem with the film’s humorous parts.  People can lose sight of the fact that Harry is only sixteen years old.  He is a teenager at a magical boarding school; I don’t need or want the entire film to be serious and gritty.

#1 The Deathly Hallows Part 2

They crossed streams!

Ordering numbers four through two was very difficult, if I had been in a different mood they could have ended up in any order.  Deciding on number one was not hard.  Epic, thrilling, heartbreaking, triumphant, all apply.  The Deathly Hallows Part 2 is the reason why I love movies.  In fact, I need to watch Part 2 at least once more, but it may have cracked my all-time top ten films (not easy to do, trust me).

One of my favorite scenes occurred prior to the battle when McGonagall along with professors and several members of the Order of the Phoenix ready Hogwarts.  Watching so many beloved characters and even the castle itself prepare for Voldemort was like watching my childhood get ready to kick-ass.

For those who are interested, here are the movies as ranked by RottenTomatoes.com:

The Order of the Phoenix- 78%

The Deathly Hallow Part 1- 79%

The Sorcerer's Stone- 80%

The Half-Blood Prince- 83%

The Chamber of Secrets- 83%

The Goblet of Fire- 87%
The Prisoner of Azkaban- 91%
The Deathly Hallow Part 2- 97%

One million points for Gryffindor

The Good Old Days

For those times when I'm feeling nostalgic

I hadn't even been born in 1987 when Over The Top was released, but it still deserves some recognition for epitomizing awesomely bad movies.  In between Rocky IV and Rocky V, Sylvester Stallone decided he had become too successful so he decided to star in a movie about an arm wrestler/truck driver who has to win back his estranged son from his evil father-in-law.

Believe it or not, that trailer doesn't even do justice to how completely ridiculous the movie is.  Between Stallone explaining to his son that arm-wrestling is a mental sport to the Kenny Loggins slow jams that play in the background for over half the movie, it's jam packed with cliches from the 1980's.  

My favorite part of Over the Top has to be the hilarious arm wrestlers and John Grizzly is the most memorable.  At one point he tries to scare an opponent by eating a lit cigar, he then tops that by drinking a can of motor oil, all for the sake of intimidation.

Who would have thought that giant anthropomorphic turtles who love pizza and partying and were trained to be ninjas by an anthropomorphic rat would provide the seed for an extremely successful franchise?  Personally, I think the pizza and the partying are what did it for me.

As a matter of fact, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Fall of the Foot Clan for the original Game Boy was the first video game I ever played.  I was four years olds and remember borrowing my brother's Game Boy and playing it for so long that the brand new batteries died.  I think my mouth was wide open in amazement the entire time.  Do you remember your first video game?  If you do, post about it in the comments section!

The three TMNT live-action movies also hold a special place in my heart.  The first two for actually being entertaining and for providing this hilarious scene from TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze (yes, that's Vanilla Ice).  The third is memorable for being the first movie I ever remember watching and afterwards thinking to myself, "Wow, that was a pretty terrible movie."  It did have a pretty hilarious movie poster though:

And somehow, everyone in 16th century Japan spoke English

As an added bonus, here is one of the most blatant rip-offs I've ever seen.  Referencing the show you are copying in your own intro is pretty ballsy.

The Best of Netflix Instant

In which every Wednesday I post about some of the best TV shows/movies available on Netflix Instant.  Check out a list of everything I have posted about in my Best of Netflix Instant Archive.

If you haven’t already heard, the biggest news from Netflix this week is a recently announced price increase.  Unlimited online streaming will now cost $8, getting one DVD by mail will also cost $8, two dvds by mail will cost $12, and unlimited streaming plus one dvd at a time, which used to cost $10, will now cost $16 (all of those figures were on a per month basis).  In case your panicking about me ending my subscription and thus ending this weekly post, don’t worry!  At the very least I will continue to pay for Netflix Instant and may or may not keep receiving discs.  I’m not happy about the increase but I can’t say I’m surprised.  This is just another step in what will be a long process of slowly phasing out discs all together.

Friday Night Light

I think that's a friday night light in the background

The fact that 7^th Heaven aired for eleven seasons while Friday Night Lights  (FNL) limped on for five seasons before dying in obscurity is a crime and someone (I don’t know who) should be punished for it.  In my opinion, since FNL’s premiere in October of 2006 until its finale in February, there are few, if any, shows that have been better. 

To say Friday Night Lights is about football is like saying Remember the Titans is about football.  Both use the sport to explore much larger issues.  In the Case of Titans, football is primarily used to explore racial tensions while in FNL it is used to explore numerous issues including racism, economic disparity, school funding, and drugs.  By the series' end you get a surprisingly detailed portrait of a small town in Texas.

What impressed me most about FNL is the character development.  In the pilot, almost every character adheres to a clichéd stereotype such as: the dumb cheerleader who dates the star football player, the quiet backup, the tough guy, or the bookworm.  Then, once you think the characters have all been done before, the show turns everything on its head.  Some of the stereotypes are still there but most of the characters reveal depth and complexities you don’t normally see in a TV show.  What’s even more impressive is that most of the characters graduate and leave at some point during the show.  In fact, by the final season only the coach’s family remain regulars.  This would cripple most shows but FNL doesn’t miss a beat and manages to introduce compelling new characters.

If you’re looking for a substantial series to get you through the dog days of summer, Friday Night Lights is a great choice.  The first four seasons are currently available to stream instantly and I would expect the fifth to be posted before too long.

Luther

In many ways Luther is similar to the Sherlock TV show I posted about several weeks ago.  Both are a BBC series about unconventional but brilliant detectives in London and both employ a “by any means necessary” approach.  However, Sherlock Holmes comes of as someone out of a story book.  After all, that’s what he is.  In contrast, John Luther is more of a real person.  He actually has a personality and as opposed to Sherlock, displays real emotions. 

Unfortunately, Luther fall just short of being an incredible show because completely ridiculous things happen slightly too often.  The most glaring example occurs in the first episode when Luther deduces someone is a cold-blooded murderer because the suspect doesn’t yawn when he does.  What? I had no idea yawning (or not yawning) was such a bullet proof way to determine guilt.  In addition, some of the serial killers Luther tries to track down seem out of place in the real world (e.g. a satanist who drinks his victims' blood).

That being said, Luther is still one of the better TV shows I have seen in the last year, it just doesn't quite reach the same level as Sherlock.  However, with a first season comprised of only six-episodes it’s worth giving a shot.

Trailer Trash Tuesday

This has been a slow week for new and interesting trailers, so instead I’m going to use two posters and an image from upcoming films.  However, with Harry Potter’s release on Friday, expect some teasers for huge blockbusters next week.

After seeing this poster yesterday, I couldn’t resist overanalyzing it.  I immediately noticed the view from the ground as an interesting contrat to what we saw in an early Dark Knight  poster.  What does this mean? Maybe Batman’s attempts to save Gotham are derailed because he is physically hurt (stuck on the ground), meanwhile the city is falling apart.  At no point in the first two films has Batman suffered anything more than superficial injuries, so it seems like a logical place to go.  Especially with a roided up Bane as the villain.  Then again, the new perspective could mean absolutely nothing.

On a related note, The first hit I got when googling “The Dark Knight Rises poster” is an article from MTV which, among other things, says that the Dark Knight Rises is not, “some Inception knock-off.”  Well-done MTV, that’s like saying, “Steven Spielberg’s upcoming biopic of Abraham Lincoln will not be a knock-off of ET.”

Look for The Dark Knight Rises teaser trailer this Friday with The Deathly Hallows Part 2.  However, filming is less than halfway done so don’t expect anything epic, just some dialogue and maybe a few images to get people excited.

That image is from the upcoming Disney film, John Carter.  You may be thinking to yourself, “John Carter? That could be about anything.”  And you’d be right, because it’s about an American Civil War veteran who is transported to Mars where he becomes involved in a Martian conflict. 

The above image made me think of a reverse Cowboys and Aliens, instead of implanting aliens into a world of cowboys, you implant a cowboy into a world of aliens.  Still, with few details available it’s difficult to discern what exactly the film will be like.

John Carter movie poster

John Carter stars Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins (X-Men Origins cast reunion), and Willem Dafoe.  Interestingly, it will be directed by Andrew Stanton, who has been involved in every Pixar film to date (except for Cars 2)and directed both Finding Nemo and Wall-E, I’m interested to see how his skills translate to live-action.  Look for John Carter on March 9^th, 2012.

Putting 3D glasses on Darth Maul is more character development than he got in the entire movie

When Lucasfilm announced that all the Star Wars films will be rereleased in 3D, no one would have cared if they simply pretended like the Phantom Menace never happened.  Actually, I don’t think anyone would have cared if they pretended like the entire prequel trilogy never happened (a positive argument could be made for Revenge of the Sith).

Is it possible for Jar Jar Binks to be even more annoying in 3D? I doubt it, but the world will find out on February 10^th, 2012.

What to Watch? July 11th - July 17th

In this new series of posts, every Monday I will be highlighting some of the entertainment industry's best new releases in the upcoming week.  I won't be able to mention everything (only going to mention TV premieres and occasionally finales) but hopefully the day-by-day summary will help keep you occupied in the upcoming week.  Note: all times are PM and in EST unless otherwise noted

Monday, July 11th

The competitors in this year's Home Run Derby, Prince Fielder will eat them all

MLB Home Run Derby @ 8 on ESPN

Recently, I told one of my friends how I don't enjoy watching baseball, in defense of the sport he said, "When you're watching baseball you have to relax, you can't expect anything exciting to happen."  In other words, lower your expectations as much as possible.  The Home Run Derby is pretty entertaining though.

The Closer, Season 7 Premiere @ 9 on TNT
Starring Kyra Sedgwick aka Mrs. Kevin Bacon, The Closer is now entering its seventh and final season.  Cable's most watched series is supposed to be pretty good but I haven't seen more than a couple random episodes

Alphas, Series Premiere @ 10 on Sci-Fi (I refuse to say SyFy), Trailer
Touted as an attempt to do Heroes right, Alphas is about five normal people who discover they have extraordinary abilities.  These super people begin working for the government to stop bad guys with super powers.  

Rizzoli and Isles, Season 2 Premiere @ 10 on TNT
A police drama about two female detectives.  Did reasonably well ratings-wise during the first season but from what I can tell it doesn't do much to rise above the mass of police detective shows.

Tuesday, July 12th

WE SO EXCITED

A Dance With Dragons, by George RR Martin, fifth book in the Song of Ice and Fire
HBO's new Game of Thrones series launched Martin's fantasy epic into the main stream, for those of you who have only seen the TV Show, brace yourself, it gets way better.  I have heard him called the "American Tolkien" but I think that's selling him short.  Tolkien may have invented epic fantasy but Martin perfected it

Rescue Me, the Season 7 Premiere @ 10 on FX
The final season of the FX drama/comedy about a firefighter in NYC with questionable morals kicks off on Tuesday.  I'm going to be preoccupied reading A Dance with Dragons but this wouldn't be a bad alternative.

MLB All-Star Game @ 8 on FOX
Pretty self-explanatory

NCAA Football 2012, for PS3 and Xbox
Yearly version of an Electronic Arts' cash cow

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (video game), every gaming platform known to man
What would a big-budget movie be without a really terrible video game version?

UFC Personal Trainer: The Ultimate Fitness System, Nintendo Wii
Something tells me UFC fighters don't actually train with a Wii, just a guess though.

Wednesday, July 13th

The Franchise: A Season with the San Francisco Giants, @ 9:30 on Showtime, Trailer
The Franchise follows the San Francisco Giants through the 2011 baseball season as they try to accomplish what few can: defend their World Series Title.

Damages, Season 4 premiere @ 10 on DirecTV
With a cast boasting the likes of Glenn Close, Rose Byrne, and Ted Danson, the law-drama ranks among the best summer TV has to offer.

Women's World Cup Semifinals: USA vs. France @ 11:30 AM and Sweden vs. Japan @ 2:30, both on ESPN
Anyone who watched the USA v. Brazil game on Sunday knows it was an incredible game.  If the same things happened in a movie critics would bash it for being unbelievable.  Lets hope for more of the same in the semifinals.

Thursday, July 14th

Other than regularly scheduled TV shows and some baseball games, not much today

Friday, July 15th

As do your careers

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, Wide Release in every theater on the planet
Everyone knows about this,  but I will be doing a preview (sort of) later this week, so check back.

Winnie the Pooh, Wide Release, Trailer
Everyones favorite honey-loving bear is back (he doesn't have much competition).  Early reviews for this are actually pretty decent.  

Salvation Boulevard, Limited Release, Trailer
Starring Pierce Brosnan, Greg Kinnear, Jennifer Connelly, and Ed Harris, Salvation Boulevard is described as a comedy-drama with religious undertones.

Saturday, July 16th

Aside from baseball games, fourteen MLS teams are in action and two games from the quarterfinals of the South American soccer championships are on.  Soccer games all day!

Sunday, July 17th

Breaking Bad, Season 4 Premiere @ 10 on AMC, Trailer
Watching Breaking Bad is on my long list of things to do, I'll get to it eventually.  From what I have read every season of Breaking Bad has been better than the last, I wonder if the good people at AMC can maintain the momentum.  Speaking of AMC, what an incredible rise from obscurity to the forefront of quality TV.


Women's World Cup Final: USA/France vs. Sweden/Japan

self-explanatory, go USA (hopefully)!

The 10 Dumbest Video Game Weapons

The history of gaming is full of really awesome weapons, but occasionally a video game will feature a weapon that is either completely useless or has some glaring flaw.  Here is a countdown of the ten most egregious examples:

#10: The Gnasher Shotgun (Gears of War)

I could probably make a countdown of stupid weapons just in the Gears of War series, almost every gun is incredibly stupid when you think about it.  But, I ended up choosing the shotgun because it’s so heavily used in the series. 

Shotguns are a staple of video games, they offer lots of power in close quarters.  However, the shotgun from Gears of War has an effective range of about five feet.  Anything much further than that and you might as well be throwing rocks.  Sure, the shotgun does tons of damage to anyone within five feet, but so does every weapon in the history of weapons.

#9: Every gun in Devil May Cry

Every time Dante fires his guns I'm reminded of this

The guns of Devil May Cry definitely look cool, but they are useless because they do almost no damage. To kill your average, run-of-the-mill enemy, it probably takes around 100 rounds from Dante's pistols.  Killing a boss probably takes a couple thousand.  Thousand?! Is he shooting Nerf darts?


#8: Deku Sticks (Ocarina of Time)

A Deku Stick!?!? We're saved!

The Ocarina of Time is one of the greatest games of all time and if you don’t think so, you’re wrong.  However, deku sticks are stupid and useless. You would think since they are called DEKU sticks they would be better than your average stick, but they’re not.  They catch fire like normal wood and break after one use.

#7: The Blitzball

Time to save the world

Here are some of the weapons from Final Fantasy X, a sword, a spear, and another sword.  Yep, while your friends get real weapons, Wakka gets stuck with a ball.  Don't be fooled by the "blitz" part of the name, it's not special. While giant monsters are trying to stab or eat you, Wakka is playing dodgeball.  That’s what he gets for being a giant douche (I wonder if that's his MySpace picture).

#6: Green Shells (Mario Kart)

Three Koopas had to die for this

Green shells make the list not only for being useless, but for being useless while its cousins (red and blue shells) are so awesome.  Hitting someone with a green shell is extremely hard because you're moving,  the other racer is moving, and the green shell is too.  That's a lot of variables to account for, so unless someone is directly in front of you, it's almost all luck.  You're probably just as likely to hit yourself.  Green shells are only somewhat useful because they can block incoming attacks, then again, so can banana peels.

#5: Pee snowball (South Park)

Just pretend it's yellow

Released in 1998, the South Park video game is long forgotten first-person shooter, but still deserves a spot on this countdown.  As expected, the game had almost exclusively stupid weapons, including a cow launcher, dodge balls, and a toilet plunger launcher. Ultimately, I had to give the spot to pee snowballs for turning one of the game's few normal(ish) weapons into something ridiculous.  In South Park, normal snowballs are the game's first weapons.  You can throw them quickly but they don't do much damage.  Pee snowballs are the secondary fire, they take a while to reload but deal out more damage to the bloodthirsty turkey, alien, or genocidal toy you are fighting.


#4: AT-AT/AT-ST (Star Wars)

I think they are going to make out

I’m cheating a little bit on this one because the AT-AT and AT-ST are A: originally from a movie and B: not strictly weapons, but both have appeared in numerous games and I couldn’t resist including them in the countdown.

In The Empire Strikes Back the AT-AT strikes fear into the hearts of the rebels.  They are heavily armored and blow through the rebel defenses like they are made out of paper machete.  Honestly, I can’t figure out why.  For starters, the AT-AT’s move slower than a pregnant cow, the rebels could have run in the opposite direction and been fine, even running sideways would have been fine because the AT-AT’s would take several hours just to turn.  Furthermore, AT-AT’s have a bigger blind spot than Helen Keller.

The AT-ST’s made appearances in both Empire and Return of the Jedi and are equally as useless.  The so-called “Chicken Walkers” move slightly quicker than the AT-AT’s and have a smaller blind spot but I think I stiff breeze would blow one over.  A group of mini bears manage to defeat a legion of stormtroopers and AT-ST’s by using bows and arrows, rocks, and a rope to trip one.

What makes the AT-AT and AT-ST even dumber is that they exist in a galaxy armed with lightsabers, planet-destroying spaceships, and Faster-Than-Light travel.

#3: The Needler (Halo)

If Lady Gaga were a space marine she would use something like this

The Halo series convinced me that The Convenant is probably the worst managed evil empire of all time.  They consistently fall for the same tricks, kick out their most effective race, and their rulers’ official policy is, “let’s blow ourselves, along with everything else in the galaxy to oblivion because we say so.”  Therefore, it’s no surprise that their government probably spent billions of alien dollars trying to develop the most useless gun they could think up.  Why use plasma rifle, energy swords, or giant spaceships when you can use a weapon that shoots pink needles at 25 mph and only does any real damage if at least ten hit someone?

#2: The Gunblade (Final Fantasy VIII)

I wonder if Japan's actual army uses these

Originally introduced in Final Fantasy VIII, the gunblade gets bonus points for combining two perfectly effective weapons, the sword and the gun, into one gigantic piece of crap.  If the Gunblade could actually shoot bullets it might have some redeeming qualities, but it can’t even do that. It holds rounds, but don’t be deceived, when the trigger is pulled a vibration travels throughout the gun and that somehow makes the sword do more damage. Imagine trying to hold onto that while having a sword fight. It’s no wonder that one of FFVIII’s characters decides to use his fists as a weapon.

#1: The Klobb (Goldeneye)

There was never any doubt what would top this list.  Originally from Goldeneye, the Klobb is the only weapon to become a cultural icon due to its shittiness.  Here are some of its definitions from Urbandictionary:

"Another way of saying something is worthless or bad"

"Can also be used in place of skank or other derogatory word"

"A Soviet gun specifically designed to miss its target"

"A punk-ass gun"

While the shotgun from Gears of War may have been shitty for having a five-foot effective range, the Klobb beats that by having a zero-foot effective range.  But if you ever manage to actually shoot someone with a Klobb, don’t worry, it does about as much damage as an airsoft gun.  

The Good Old Days

Since recently watching Rocky IV I have been feeling nostalgic about my childhood and some of the movies I used to (still) watch and video games I used to play.  So every once and a while I will pay homage to (or insult) something from my childhood.

The names of the Battletoads are Rash, Zitz, and Pimple.  How charming

As a child I could have used my time to start a boy band or become a world class basketball player.  But both of those would have been far too easy, so I spent my time trying to beat this:

Developers in the 80’s and early 90’s couldn’t make games terribly long or loaded with content.  Instead they made games impossibly difficult and Battletoads is one of the most notorious examples.  Checkpoints were almost non-existent and there are parts where you had to essentially memorize the game to have any chance at all.  It got to the point where actually stopping an evil queen and her army of anthropomorphic rats and pigs would have probably been easier in real life than it was in the video game.

For those of you who have never heard of Warriors of Virtue, brace yourself, you also may want to remove any small children from the room, it’s for their own good. 

Warriors of Virtue is a 1997 film about a bullied high school student named Ryan Jeffers. 
His attempt to fit in with a group of “cool” kids goes wrong and Ryan falls into a whirlpool in a water treatment facility.  When our hero wakes up he finds himself in a mystical world currently being oppressed by the evil (and extremely flamboyant) Komodo.  In order to fight Komodo, Ryan teams up with a group of five anthropomorphic warrior kangaroos who wield the elements of wood, fire, earth, metal, and water.  Enjoy the trailer:

Warriors of Virtue does have one claim to fame: early in the film Ryan’s best friend suggests that they, “make like Tom and cruise.” So it may be responsible for the worst line in cinema history.

According to the Wikipedia article, “Film critic Kale Klein of the Carlsbad Current-Argus was so physically distressed by the film that he actually vomited during the initial screenings.” I haven't heard of anyone actually throwing up due to Two Girls, One Cup.  So you could argue that Warriors of Virtue is more disturbing.  Speaking of the Wikipedia article, someone illiterate, drunk, or both has been editing it, so probably one of the movie's writers.