Trailer Trash Tuesday: I Was Too Tired to Post Yesterday Edition

Due to a 24-hour video game marathon I finished last night, I originally meant to call this the 'Sleep Deprived Edition"but I fell asleep at my computer before I could get anything done, go figure.


The funniest part about that trailer is definitely it's description on YouTube which says, "Comedy mad man Andy Dick (Old School) leads a winning ensemble cast..."  If you're thinking to yourself, "Andy Dick wasn't in Old School" you're not alone.  I checked and he is in the movie for one three-minute uncredited scene where he dresses in drag and teaches some women how to give blowjobs, seriously. So, according to Image Entertainment, the poster of that video, his role in Old School is his most noteworthy.  Wikipedia might refer to him as a comedian but that's a stretch, his name is probably the funniest thing about him.




Apparently Sasha Baron Cohen is moving away from Borat and Bruno and getting real actors who are in on the joke.  I understand why, Borat was very funny but Bruno was significantly less so and I doubt another film of the same style would be much of an improvement.  It's hard to further up the ante. 

I find the idea of a movie about a ridiculous dictator amusing but I don't know how well it will translate into an entire film.  Regardless, Sasha Baron Cohen has answered the age-old question, "What do you do to follow-up an attempted gay sex tape with Ron Paul?"  



Clash of the Titans is a recipient of my Expendables Award, which goes to a movie that had an awesome trailer and got me all excited but ended completely shitting the bed.  I remember thinking that the over-the-top action sequences pitting Perseus against mythological evils wouldn't be though-provoking cinema but would still be entertaining and memorable. I was only half right.  Clash of the Titans wasn't thought-provoking, entertaining, or memorable.  Many of the action sequences were hard to follow, many of the characters were stupid, and while I don't require a Stephen King quality plot, I at least want my movies to make sense. So, while I think Wrath of the Titans has a pretty awesome trailer, I refuse to get my hopes up.




This week's Trailer Trash Throwback: another recipient of the Expendables Award.

24-Hour Video Game Marathon

The few days following Christmas are some of the most wonderful days of the year.  Schools out, there are infinity leftovers to eat, and I generally have more video games to play than I know what to do with.  This year is no different so I've decided to have a 24-hour video game marathon with some of my friends. This will allow me to make a (small) dent in the number of video games I have to play.  Check back throughout the next 24-hours for updates and probably a little bit of insanity as the sleep deprivation kicks in.

The First Result when I Googled "Game Marathon," I have no idea.

Update @ 8:00 PM:  We have enough beer, pizza, and energy drinks to make it through the night.  Starting with Uncharted 3.  Time to kill lots of faceless mercenaries and destroy every ancient artifact in the Middle East!  24 hours to go.


9:00 PM: Made it through chapters 9 and 10 of Uncharted, taking a break to watch friend play through Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary Edition, some things get better with age.  Except for The Library, that level just gets more annoying.  Here's a shot of our set-up:

Behold: One of the nerdiest places in Northern Virginia over the next 23 hours

10:15 PM: Random thoughts about Uncharted 3: the characters' eyes look way better in this game.  In Uncharted 2 they looked creepy and bug-like, now they are much more realistic.  The new hand-to-hand combat system is pretty cool but the game tries to force you to use it way too often.  Just because a guy looks like Jason Statham doesn't mean you have to punch, guns work way better.  Here's a picture of a chimp unwrapping a present:

It made me happy

1:30 AM: Nathan Drake's life is defined by Murphy's Law, anytime it would be really inconvenient for something to go wrong, it goes horribly wrong.  In one small portion of the game Nathan managed to destroy a cruise ship and a gigantic plane.  If the robot uprising ever happens we just need him to touch Skynet.  Then the evil computer will immediately explode in an extremely cinematic manner and Darke will emerge with his hair and his body unharmed.  

Made it to the last third of the Uncharted.  Apparently there's a twist and I think I've figured it out.


5:00 AM: Just beat Uncharted 3. The combat system and graphics received some minor upgrades but the story felt like a step back after the superb storytelling of the second in the series.  That being said, I still enjoyed playing through Uncharted's best Indiana Jones impression.  I hope Naughty Dog keeps the series going. 

Next up: Batman: Arkham City and some Gears of War Xbox Live


8:30 AM: Apparently there is an even higher concentration of 12 year-olds on Xbox Live at 8 AM because everyone else is asleep.  I want to avoid this, so I think it's time to get breakfast.


10:00 AM: Back from breakfast.  Nothing against Arkham City but it starts a bit slow and my sleep-deprived brain wants something more ridiculous.  So I'm going to start the only game that allows you to throw feces at strippers, Saints Row 3.  If this can't keep me awake there's no hope.


11:15 AM: In the first thirty minutes of Saints Row 3 I robbed a bank, destroyed six helicopters, went to jail, got out of jail, jumped out of a plane, and killed over twenty men while in free fall.  I did all of these things as an obese green man with a British accent and an anime style haircut.  I think I'm in love.


12:45 PM: Two hours into Saints Row I've come to two important realizations:
1.  Your character can die.  At points early in the game I was shot by a squad of thugs more times than Sonny Corleone but my character seemed unfazed.  I began to wonder if it was even possible to die.  My question was answered during a fight with dozens of heavily armed gang members, I tried to drive away but my battered car soon exploded and killed me.  
2. The Penetrator is a very affordable melee weapon.

Yep, that's the penetrator

4:00 PM:  Getting to the home stretch now.  Only four hours to go but I'm definitely starting to slip a little bit. The excitement of punching people in their weiner in Saints Row 3 has worn off.  Probably time to crack my last Red Bull.


6:45 PM: Too... many... video games.  I think the morality in Saints Row is starting to rub off on me.  I must fight this by watching Love Actually ASAP.

Trailer Trash Tuesday: Too Many Trailers! Part 2

  Without a doubt The Expendables tops my list of most disappointing movies of all time.  The thought of Stallone, Statham, Li, and Lundgren in the same film got me ridiculously excited.  Unfortunately, The Expendables had no plot.  Even a ton of badasses shooting each other needs some context, so I left the theater feeling very let down.  Now Stallone is back and trying his best to get me all excited again but I won't be swayed so easily.  Bigger roles for Arnold and Bruce Willis?  Not enough, Arnold is creepy now anyways.  Van Damme and Chuck Norris?  Still not excited, I get my daily dose of Chuck Norris from the Internet.  Director Simon West aka the man who directed both Con Air AND the music video for "Never Gonna Give You Up"?  FINE, you win Stallone, I'm excited.

  If you still aren't convinced this movie will be awful, allow me to fix that.  Not only is Snooki in this film but so is the entire cast of The Jersey Shore.  God help us.

I've never liked the concept of a dog show.  Admittedly, I've never been to one but judging dogs seems strange.  I couldn't care less whether or not my dog is pure bred or "perfectly proportioned."  So I find the idea of an award for the ugliest dog hilarious.

I was all done with my post and ready to go to bed until I saw this:

Awesome, I wasn't particularly excited when New Line announced that The Hobbit would be split into two movies.  It seemed like a shameless money grab but maybe there is enough material to justify it.  Regardless, I really enjoyed that surprisingly long trailer and can't wait to return to Middle-Earth.

Trailer Trash Tuesday: Too Many Trailers Edition! Part 1

   I think it's safe to call The Dari Knight Rises the most highly anticipated films of the last five years.  So this trailer has generated pretty significant buzz and for good reason.  It's the first one to show a significant amount of new stuff, especially when compared to the last one.  We get the first (real) footage of Tom Hardy as Bane, Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as John Blake, a Gotham City cop.  There's also a couple cool shots of an upgraded Batmobile and possibly an incarnation of the Batwing at 1:50!  I'm thinking about cryogenically freezing myself for seven months.




Ugh, when they first announced this I was pretty excited but this trailer dampened my expectations substantially.  Jack is looking more and more like a blatant attempt to mimic 2010's Alice in Wonderland and cash-in just like Tim Burton's fantasy epic.  Both put a twist on classic fairytales, have similar visual styles, use an established cast and director, and introduce a relative newcomer as the lead.   Speaking of Jack the Giant Killer's lead, I remember Nicholas Hoult playing Beast in X-Men: First Class and he doesn't strike me as a leading man.  




   I love it when a trailer comes out of nowhere and pleasantly surprises me.  As a twenty-one year old male I expected to have no interest whatsoever in a movie about pregnant women.  My Twilight-alarm was screaming to run away, drink a beer, and watch Rambo but luckily I sat through that hilarious trailer.  I still don't know if I'll see it in theaters but Elizabeth Banks and the badass group of dads are making a pretty strong case.  


Check back late tonight for part 2

Movie Posters: Prometheus, The Dark Knight Rises, and Abe Lincoln

Some really cool posters have been hitting the Internet over the last week so I'm going to do a quick post about them.  Before I get started, be sure to check back tomorrow for the most massive edition of Trailer Trash in the history of this blog.  There have been tons of trailers posted recently and I'm going to talk about at least six tomorrow.  Now for the posters!

Yep, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, the book that raised a million eyebrows is getting a big-budget Hollywood adaptation.  The cast includes:

Benjamin Walker as the 16th President of the United States who moonlights as a vampire hunter
Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Mary Todd Lincoln
Rufus Sewll as the lead vampire
Alan Tudyk as Stephen A. Douglas one of Lincoln's political rivals

I don't know much about the lead actor, the book, or the director so making any bold claims about this film would be foolish but I'm still irrationally excited for this.

Not much for me to say about TDKR that hasn't already been said.  This poster is pretty awesome though.  Can't wait for July 20th.  Check back tomorrow for some comments on the latest trailer.

I won't beat around the bush regarding Prometheus, I expect this to be awesome. Originally planned as a prequel to Alien, this will be Ridley Scott's third science fiction film after Blade Runner and the aforementioned Alien , two classics in the genre.  In addition, Prometheus has an awesome cast including Charlize Theron, Michael Fassbender, Guy Pearce and rising stars Idris Elba and Noomi Rapace.  The first trailer for Prometheus is set to release Thursday.

The Eccentricities of Kim Jong-il

Kim Jong-il, the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, reportedly died yesterday.  While not particularly relevant to this blog, his amazing life deserves a post.

Kim Jong-il's origins are mysterious, Soviet documents claim that he was born in Siberia in 1941 while the Japanese occupied Korea.  I suppose that's possible but you would think such a miraculous man would have more miraculous origins which is why I agree with North Korea's official record of his birth.  The record says that, "In 1941 a magical hummingbird visited the People of North Korea foretelling the birth of Kim Jong-il."  It continues that the prophecy was fulfilled on Mount Paektu, "the highest mountain ever." Kim Jong-il then "emerged, walking from his mother's Patriotic and Revolutionary Vagina six months early and without the aid of a physician, thus rendering the Korean medical community irrelevant.  In shame, all doctors fled our Great and Innovative Nation never to return."  My only complaint with the account is that Mount Paektu is 18,000 feet too short to be the tallest mountain in the world.  Other than that it seems legit.

Kim Jong-il quickly developed a hatred of short people so it's a good thing he grew to a towering 5'3" (5'7" in platform shoes).  His hatred of short people caused him to try and eliminate vertically challenged individuals from the population.  His genius plan involved advertising a growth pill throughout the country.  Anyone who tried to receive the pill was subsequently deported to uninhabited islands.  Problem solved.

It's like he's looking into that radishes soul

Coming from a life of privilege and de facto royalty, Kim Jong-il understandably developed refined tastes. His favorite drink was Hennessy Cognac, a fine liquor that costs over $600 a year.  He spends $700,000 a year on the drink.  In addition, his fear of flying means he was forced to travel in a stuffy armored train where according to a Russian emissary, "Kim had live lobsters air-lifted to the train everyday." Why not when the average North Korean makes a whopping $900 a year?

When not leading North Korea's juggernaut of an economy that just sneaks by Turkmenistan to crack the top 90, Kim Jong-il liked to relax and watch one of his 20,000 DVDs and video tapes.  His favorites included, "Friday the 13th, Rambo, Godzilla, and Hong Kong action cinema, and any movie starring Elizabeth Taylor."  In an attempt to jumpstart the North Korean film industry he borrowed (kidnapped) a South Korean director and his actress wife.  Always the cultured man, Kim also composed six operas and starred in 2004's Team America: World Police.  

Not wanting his body to become frail and weak, Kim also devoted much time to perfecting his godlike physique and athletic prowess.  In his first ever round of golf Kim shot 38 under-par making him roughly ten times better than pre-adultery Tiger Woods and 20 times better than post-adultery Woods.  Aside from himself,  Kim Jong-il's favorite athlete is the legendary Michael Jordan.  He reportedly has tapes of thousands of Jordan's games and placed a basketball signed by Jordan into North Korea's Museum of International Understanding.  The man also didn't shit, according the the North Korean state web site Kim didn't defecate.  I wish I was making this up.

He had the biceps of a god

As the world says goodbye to the "Dear Leader," a humble, caring man who only owned 17 palaces, I hope North Korea can survive without him.  His youngest son and successor, Kim Jong-un, has huge, size six, shoes to fill.  

Trailer Trash Tuesday: Wednesday Edition

Over the last week and a half finals have made it nearly impossible for me to post but now I'm on Winter Break!  That means I'm going to have way too much time on my hands and am going to post all the time.  GET EXCITED


After not being able to post yesterday I was going to wait to until next Tuesday but there are way too many new trailers.

The creators of Battleship apparently have the "Making a Trailer for a Big Budget Action Movie" handbook and are following it to the word.  It has crazy special effects, robot sounds, hot women, skyscrapers blowing up, important government officials sitting around a table, a military base under attack, and a cameo for Megatron.  

The cast list for Battleship says that Alexander Skarsgard plays "Stone Hopper, Commanding Officer of the USS Sampson."  Stone Hopper?  That's a weak attempt at a badass action hero name, I can think of way better ones.  What about John Hammersmith? Lincoln Matrix? Luther Spartan? Duke Armstrong?  

Normally the only of musicals I like are the ones that have the word "Muppets" somewhere in the title.  People singing and dancing just isn't the same as Kermit, Fozzy, and Gonzo singing and dancing.  However, at the very least I think I can give a musical featuring catchy 80's music, Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Paul Giamatti a chance.  

This Week's Trailer Trash Throwback: In honor of the 10-year anniversary of the beginning of one of the greatest film trilogies of all time

The Best of Netflix Instant

For years I have heard about how great Mad Men is, about how it makes you wish for the 1960's, about how Don Draper wakes up in the morning and pisses cool.  So after Netflix made the entire series available for instant streaming I started to make my way through the 60's period drama.  Normally, I fly through TV shows but I struggled to make it through Mad Men for a few reasons.  The setting is definitely cool and the attention to detail is top-notch but I found myself not caring about any of the characters. Most of them are adulterous assholes and those who aren't still find ways to become as unlikable as possible (I'm looking at you, Betty).  Meanwhile, the plot arcs or lack there of failed to grab my attention until Season 4.

Mad Men is definitely above-average but I expected more from a show that's won the Outstanding Drama Series Emmy for each of its seasons.  However, my first-world problems didn't last long because very soon after finishing up Mad Men, I started to make my way through another AMC series, Breaking Bad, a show that takes the intriguing premise of a high school chemistry teacher turned meth cooker into one of the best shows I've ever seen.

Breaking Bad is intense, unrelenting, and even made me want to major in chemistry but its characters are the highlight.  Walter White (played by Bryan Cranston) is an antihero done right.  He's an ass with, at best, questionable morals.  Just when you think he's going to help someone out of the kindness of his heart you realize he's acting in his own self-interest.  However, you still find yourself rooting for Walt because you understand his motives.


As great as Walter White is, he's only the tip of the iceberg.  Jesse (played by Aaron Paul), Walt's oft in-trouble sidekick, Mike, a badass private investigator, and The Cousins, silent assassins for a Mexican drug cartel, are just a small part of the memorable supporting cast.


What's so impressive about Breaking Bad is that it keeps getting better.  Just when you think the writers can't possibly up the ante anymore, they blow your mind.  From what I've read the recently finished season 4 continues the trend, I can't wait to watch it.


Check out a list of everything I have posted about in my Best of Netflix Instant Archive.

Trailer Trash Tuesday

I've never been one to complain about the number of movie sequels or remakes but it does seem to be getting ridiculous.  Everything from The Crow, to Point Break is getting a reboot.  Hell, even Red Dawn is being remade!  Now 21 Jump Street, the TV show that made Johnny Depp famous, is getting a reboot on the silver screen.  I admittedly haven't seen any episodes of 21 Jump but this seems more like Superbad from the cops' perspective than a show that covers typical issues, "including alcoholism, hate crimes, drug abuse, homophobia, AIDS, child abuse, and sexual promiscuity."  Oh well, I guess 1987 was a long time ago.

Fun fact: by the later seasons of the original show, Johnny Depp hated his role and wanted to leave.  As a result he didn't care and would make ridiculous suggestions to the producers one of which "included the discovery by the other characters that [Depp's character]  was obsessed with peanut butter, and would be discovered by the other characters smearing it all over his naked body."  I hope this is included in the reboot.

Mirror, Mirror releasing within a few months of Snow White & the Huntsman is no coincidence.  After Alice in Wonderland became the 9th highest grossing movie of all time (I don't get it either) movie studios have decided to cash-in on "adult fairy tales."  The Huntsman has decided to take the epic action-adventure route while Mirror, Mirror is going for the quirky comedy.  However, comedies generally should be funny and just about every joke in that trailer fell on its face.  I'm not particularly optimistic about either Snow White adaptation but Mirror, Mirror definitely looks worse.

This Week's Trailer Trash Throwback: One of Tom Cruise's earliest films, the fantasy epic Legend.

Comics That Need a Movie/TV Adaptation

A long, long time ago, in 2002, the original Spider-Man movie became the first film to gross over $100 million in a weekend and movie studios quickly realized that an established comic book  + awesome special effects = a swimming pool full of money

Since then studios have churned out comic book films at an astonishing rate.  Almost a decade after Spider-Man there are very few major heroes without a film adaptation but comics still have plenty to offer.  Here are three of the most promising:

Axe Cop

Yep, that's a space t-rex with gatling guns and aviators.  Need I say more?

If for some reason you still aren't convinced that Axe Cop needs a movie adaptation, consider these relevant points:

• Axe Cop is a collaboration between a 29 year-old and his 5 year-old brother.  The 5 year-old comes up with the story and ideas while his brother makes it into a comic.
• Axe Cop was born with a mustache
• Axe Cop's brother, Flute Cop, transforms into Dinosaur Soldier and later into Avocado Soldier 
• Together Axe Cop and Avocado Soldier run a fruit stand because they "need more money to get new guns and swords."
• Axe Cop defeats a rampaging robot by throwing a baby with a unicorn horn through its eye
• Sockarang is a member of Axe Cop's team who throws socks at his enemies but he eventually acquires the power of Christmas

It's completely absurd but if done correctly an Axe Cop movies could be ridiculously entertaining and over-the-top enough to make Michael Bay blush.


Chances a movie will happen: 50%  Axe Cop's complete ridiculousness is simultaneously its greatest strength and its greatest weakness.  In other words, I could see studios avoiding it because of the insanity or gravitating towards it for the same reason.  I can't decide which force will be stronger. Currently there's nothing about an upcoming Axe Cop movie, so that means nothing within the next two years. 

Fables

One of the better advertisements for public transportation I've ever seen

In the Fables universe all the characters from the world's most famous myths, legends, and tall tales exist (as long as they aren't copyrighted) in hundreds of interconnected worlds.  Unfortunately, a few hundred years ago an enigmatic being known as the Adversary begins to conquer and subdue the worlds' of the Fables.  As the Adversary's Empire grows, more and more characters become refugees and flee to Earth.  The refugees found a new settlement in New Amsterdam, New Amsterdam eventually becomes known as New York City, and the Adversary doesn't really care because his Empire is huge and powerful and Earth is mundane (without magic). Fables picks up in modern times and focuses on the internal issues of Fabletown as well as the increasing tension with the Empire.  The comic has a huge ensemble cast but some of the more important characters are Bigby Wolf, formerly the Big Bad Wolf and now the reformed sheriff of Fabletown (he can take human form), Prince Charming (he's a douche), and Snow White.


With this premise Bill Willingham creates one of the most consistently entertaining comic series I have ever read.  Just when you think Fables is going to lose steam a new, previously unimportant character steps forward in a great story arc.  110 issues later Fables is as strong as ever.


Chances a TV show will happen: 70% The massive size of Fables means only a TV show could do the series justice.  Both NBC and ABC at one point owned the rights but thus far nothing has materialized, I assume this is largely due to the cost associated with creating Fables but the success of Game of Thrones, another huge fantasy epic, means it can be done profitably. I think the source material is too good to be passed up forever.  On a side note ABC's new series, Once Upon a Time seems like it "borrowed" from Fables.

Superman: Red Son

In one of the all-time great "what if?" stories, Superman: Red Son explores an alternate reality where Krypton's Last Son crash lands on a farm in the Soviet bloc instead of Kansas.  From that idea Mark Millar expertly crafts a retelling of the Cold War that spans from 1953 to 2001.  With Superman as their leader, the Soviet Union gradually gains control of most of the world.  America's only hope to resist Communism lies with Lex Luthor, an unstable genius hellbent on defeating the Man of Steel.  Some of DC's greatest heroes are re-imagined including Wonder Woman, The Green Lantern, and Batman who is the same but now has a fur hat because he's Soviet.  

What's so impressive is that Millar doesn't rely on the strength of one good idea, he creates a story that would have been compelling with a Soviet or American Superman.  Simply put, Red Son is one of the best graphic novels I have ever read and arguably the best Superman story ever told.

Chances a movie will happen: 5% while Red Son is a great comic I doubt  anyone would be willing to put hundreds of millions of dollars into telling such an unconventional story.  if Man of Steel is successful that would increase the probability but not hugely so.  

As I write this I keep thinking of more comics that would make AWESOME movies (Kingdom Come, Y: The Last Man).  I will have to write another post at some point.

Trailer Trash Tuesday

I really wanted to like this trailer.  It's epic, has a cool soundtrack, stars Thor/Captain Kirk's dad, and has a forest monster at 1:28 that reminds me of Pan's Labyrinth.  However, I have to resist my natural tendencies and keep in mind everything that seems wrong with it.

Firstly, what is up with Charlize Theron's voice?  The South African is a proven actress but her quasi-British accent varies between odd and awful over the course of the trailer.  Chris Hemsworth's Irish accent is way more convincing.  Then there's Kristen Stewart.  She deserves some hatred for portraying the most ridiculously boring character in cinema history aka Bella Swan but Stewart probably takes too much flack for that one role.  What concerns me is that this trailer made her out to be the same emotionless mute.  She doesn't even speak!  The Huntsman, the Queen, and even the goddamn Mirror On The Wall seem more interesting.

A strong director would lower my skepticism but Rupert Sanders is an "acclaimed commercial director" who has never directed a film.  In other words, he's a completely unknown quantity.  Unless future trailers ease my concerns, I'm going to stick with Stardust.



There are a couple other trailers I want to talk about but unfortunately I'm swamped with work for the next few days so they will have to wait until next week.



This Week's Trailer Trash Throwback: The film portion of the greatest book, TV show, and movie triumvirate of all time.

WTF Japan: TV Commercials

Guess what this is an ad for.  Seriously, take a few seconds and think about the possibilities. Do you have a few ideas?  If you guessed this is an advertisement for Anabuki Construction, Japan's leading builder of condominiums, you're right!  Nothing says, "high-quality, but affordable condominiums" quite like a wolf with testicles the size of basketballs. 






Apparently, American celebrities frequently appear in completely moronic Japanese commercials.  I can only assume Hulk Hogan received several suitcases of money to sing this jingle and Arnold Schwarzenegger got a private island to play Kazaam in this pharmaceutical commercial:
A little over a decade later that man became governor of the world's ninth largest economy.






A comparison of a commercial for the United States Navy and a commercial for the Japanese Self-Defense Force Navy:


A recruitment commercial should try and convince the viewer to join.  The American commercial shows groups of badass-looking men doing badass things in badass vehicles.  Most members of the United States Navy will never jump out of a helicopter or participate in a covert assault on a beach but that's the ideal.  The Japanese commercial shows a group of men in sailor outfits dance around and sing about "seaman ships."  Is that the ideal every member of the Japanese Navy aspires to?

Trailer Trash Tuesday

    I think the creators of Project X ran out of money then realized they hadn't paid anyone to think of a title.  Project X sounds like a secret government experiment not a really big party that got out of hand.  Corey Delaney: The Movie is much more appropriate.


I don't know if this will actually be any good but it's rated "R" for "Crude and sexual content throughout, nudity, drugs, drinking, pervasive language, reckless behavior, and mayhem-all involving teens."  How can I say no to that?




Normally I jump at opportunities to make fun of Ryan Reynolds but Buried has (at least temporarily) changed my opinion of the pretty boy actor.  That being said, I'm still not impressed by the Safe House trailer.  Nothing about it is original.  Denzel Washington is a rogue CIA agent a la the Bourne movies and Ryan Reynolds is the naive rookie agent a la every conspiracy film ever.  Even playing a Jay-Z song has been done multiple times.  Denzel might be able to save Safe House from being a mediocre, run-of-the-mill thriller but I doubt it.






Trailer Trash Throwback: a great teaser for a great movie

The Best of Netflix Instant

Imagine waking up in an impossibly dark room.  It’s so dark that closing your eyes doesn’t change a thing; you might as well be blind.  Your hands are bound with rope.  Meanwhile, the throbbing in your head and the stifling heat make it difficult to remember what happened.  After struggling with your bonds you manage to ignite a lighter and discover that the room is actually a coffin buried underground. 

Before praising Buried, I want to clarify that the film’s entire 90-minute runtime takes place inside a coffin.  With the exception of one extremely brief moment, Ryan Reynolds (with a shirt on) is the only person you see.  I think it’s worth seeing but that might be a deal breaker for some.

From the Hitchcockian opening until the heart-attack inducing ending, Buried never takes the foot off the pedal.  Just when you think the “oh my god, I’m trapped in a coffin ” thing is getting stale, the film adds another element to the plot and further increases your blood pressure.  It’s difficult to explain how the film pulls this off but watch it and you will understand.

What surprised me the most about Buried is the size of the story.  Reynolds doesn’t exist in a vacuum.  The entire time you are aware of a bigger story unfolding outside, a story of the American occupation of Iraq, of heartless corporations, and of the search for a man buried in the desert.  Compare this to 127 Hours.  In both films the male protagonist is alone and trapped with no real prospect of help.  However, 127 Hours is very centered on James Franco and his personal conflicts while Reynolds in Buried is part of a bigger conflict.  Neither is inherently better but they represent two different and ultimately successful ways to approach a situation.

As much as I enjoyed the film I have two complaints.  Firstly, watching the film requires some suspension of disbelief because a few scenes didn’t seem possible.  At one point Ryan Reynolds fights off a snake with an alcohol-generated fire, keep in mind that he’s still inside a coffin.  My other big complaint is the occasional poor dialogue.  In response to a woman on the phone asking Reynolds what’s will happen if they don’t rescue him by 9pm he says, “He’ll take me to Sea World!”  It immediately reminded me of Ryan Reynolds’ much less impressive acting performances.

Despite its few shortcomings Buried is a fantastic film.  Together, director Rodrigo Cortes, a relatively unknown Spanish director, and Ryan Reynolds, a pretty boy who usually plays the exact same character, form an unlikely pair.  I never thought I’d say this but I spent an hour and a half in a box with Ryan Reynolds and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Check out a list of everything I have posted about in my Best of Netflix Instant Archive.

Trailer Trash Tuesday

It's been a slow week for trailers but I found two worth sharing.

Not many movie series hit their stride with the third installment but Mission Impossible is a rare exception.  The first has some memorable scenes but afterwards I had no idea what the hell happened.  Mission Impossible 2 had laughably ridiculous action sequences and an almost non-existent plot.  The third installment finally got it right by including entertaining but relatively believable action scenes, cool spy tech, and a solid action movie plot.  Right now it looks like Ghost Protocol will continue the trend started by MI:III.  Also, I <3 Brad Bird, the man responsible for The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, and Ratatouille.  

Behold!  The first British movie to be shot in 3D:

What. The. Hell.  That almost made me vomit.

Trailer Trash Throwback: "I Lied"  *drops man off cliff* 

Trailer Trash Tuesday

In 2008 I predicted that within the next two years Sam Worthington would be a household name.  At the time, Worthington had already received an award for his acting, and he was set to star in James Cameron's first film since Titanic as well as a new Terminator film alongside Christian Bale.  Why hasn't Worthington achieved superstardom?  While the revenue from Avatar generated enough money to be able to do this, it featured a ton of CGI and more screen time for Worthington's voice than his face.  Meanwhile, Terminator Salvation featured an uninteresting plot, wooden characters, and two hours of Christian Bale growling.  Honestly, this is the most entertaining thing to come out of Salvation.

Since 2009, Worthington hasn't had much mainstream exposure outside of Clash of the Titans, another failed blockbuster.  Will Man on a Ledge carry him to fame and glory?  Maybe, but that trailer didn't intrigue me and its director, Asger Leth, doesn't even have a Wikipedia page which is how I judge whether or not someone is noteworthy.

Someone should have said, "It's Hammer time" during that trailer.  

This week's Trailer Trash Throwback is actually a mash-up of inspirational speeches from various movies and one of my favorite Internet videos of all time.  Enjoy.

Trailer Trash Tuesday

Every year the seasons change, people pay their taxes, Mark Sanchez is a mediocre quarterback, and Meryl Streep receives an Academy Award nomination.  That last one is not as exaggerated as you might think.  Since 1978, Meryl Streep has received sixteen nominations or an average of one every two years for films as varied as Julie & Julia, Sophie's Choice and The Devil Wears Prada.  Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher is a virtual lock for a seventeenth.  The Academy should go ahead and mail her the nomination so she can start thinking about her acceptance speech, just in case she wins.

I think this could be everything Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps should have been: entertaining, tense, and even a little bit informative.  If Margin Call can supplement the impressive cast with strong storytelling it could be the definitive film about the financial crisis of the late 2000's

Credit: Warren Manser

Why did I upload a picture of Optimus Prime with a jetpack?  I'm glad you asked.  Reports recently surfaced that Michael Bay is currently in talks to direct a fourth and possibly fifth Transformers film.  After Dark of the Moon made $1.2 billion at the box office studio execs apparently realized that if you give Michael Bay $300 million and a picture of giant robots he will give you a movie everyone wants to see.

There aren't many hard details yet but Ehren Kruger would likely return as writer and Spielberg would return as executive producer.  Shia LeBeouf definitely won't return but a possible replacement has been mentioned: Jason Statham.  Yep, they might replace this with this.  There has been no word on the potential story but I'm betting Unicron  could have something to do with it.



This week's Trailer Trash Throwback:

The Seven Greatest Movie Bromances

For the few of you who don’t know what a bromance is, Urbandictionary describes it as “the complicated love and affection shared by two straight males.”

I originally intended to write a post about the greatest two or three movie bromances of all time but I quickly realized there are far too many for that.  Even by narrowing it down to seven I had to make some painful omissions.  Seven is an odd number but these 'couples' rose above the rest.

#7: Bodhi and Johnny Utah (Point Break)- the surfer dude/bank robber bromance
I originally planned on including Brian and Dom from the Fast and the Furious franchise but then I remembered that the first Fast and the Furious heavily borrowed from Point Break.  In both, a cop goes undercover where he tries to blend in with suspected criminals.  Then everything goes awry when the undercover cop falls in love with someone close to the suspected criminals and this causes him to try and arrest the wrong people.  Shit hits the fan and in the end the cop lets the criminal/bro escape arrest.

I could talk about all the heart-to-hearts Bodhi and Johnny have, Johnny’s apparent lack of interest in his female love interest, or how Bodhi beats up a member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers to defend Johnny but I found pictures that explain their relationship better than I ever could.

Look at Keanu's acting, you can't teach that.

This seems familiar...

Most brogasmic moment:

During Point Break’s final scene, Johnny manages to track down Bodhi.  Instead of arresting Bodhi, a man who robbed multiple banks and was involved in the deaths of three cops including Johnny's partner, Johnny lets Bodhi go free so he can ride a really big wave.

#6: Harry and Lloyd (Dumb and Dumber) – the idiot bromance

When compared to other popular 90’s films, Dumb and Dumber has quickly fallen into obscurity but Harry and Lloyd used to be two of America's most beloved idiots.  I almost never hear people talk about, quote, or reference it.  I admit that by todays standards it is juvenile but the film’s two good-natured, idiot best friends posses an undeniable charm.  Their bromance survives a cross-country road trip, several run-ins with the cops, gun shots, and even falling for the same woman. 

Most brogasmic moment:
After Lloyd inadvertently drives hundreds of miles in the wrong direction, the two get into an argument.  Just when you think their bromance might be at an end, Lloyd totally redeems himself. 

#5: Butch and Sundance (Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid)- the western bromance.

Your popped collar will never look this cool

For as long as there have been humans there have been bromances and the wild west is no exception.  Butch’s brains and Sundance’s brawn make them the quintessential 19^th century bromance.  They finish each other’s sentences, are more interested in each other than women, and eventually decide to take their bromance to South America.  Even at death’s door they can barely keep themselves from hugging.

Most brogasmic moment:

#4: Seth and Evan (Superbad)- the young bromance.

During those high school years when a stiff breeze gives you a boner and four beers is enough to make you a raving lunatic, most people experience their first bromance.  Seth and Evan capture this perfectly.  Admittedly,  I was in high school when Superbad came out but it's impossible to rewatch without having hilarious memories flood back.

Most brogasmic moment: 

#3:  Han and Chewie- the interspecies bromance.

Best Dog Ever.

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a Human and a Wookie overcame their anatomical and linguistic differences to form one of the great bromances of all time.  Together Han and Chewie roamed the stars like intergalactic cowboys, pissing off giant slugs, saving princesses, blowing up Death Stars, and toppling evil Empires.


Most brogasmic moment: Lando Calrissian finds out the hard way what happens when you freeze Chewie’s best bro in a block of carbonite.

#2: Rocky and Apollo (Rocky)- the legally retarded boxer bromance.

All relationships have rocky periods (pun intended) and bromances are no different.  Sometimes your bro upsets you.  In the case of Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed, they spend the first two movies beating each other close to death before deciding they want to become the bestest of bros.  They train together, dress scantily, make a few montages, and before you know it they are sprinting on the beach and playing in the waves.

When a Soviet boxer kills Apollo in the fourth film, Rocky responds by traveling to the USSR, training in Siberia for months, and helping to topple a world superpower.  Never touch someone’s best bro.

Most brogasmic moment:
One of the greatest montages of all time (watch the whole thing, you won't regret it).

#1: Maverick and Goose (Top Gun)- the ultimate bromance

At first, I couldn’t decide whether or not to include Maverick and Iceman in this countdown but I eventually came to the conclusion that Mav and Ice have more of a romance than a bromance.  However, the relationship between Mav and Goose achieved the pinnacle of hetero bro love.  They spend all their time together, have coordinated methods of hitting on women, have elaborate high fives, finish each others sentences, and most importantly, they play beach volleyball together. 


Most brogasmic moment:

Maverick and Goose, I salute you.