The 10 Dumbest Video Game Weapons

The history of gaming is full of really awesome weapons, but occasionally a video game will feature a weapon that is either completely useless or has some glaring flaw.  Here is a countdown of the ten most egregious examples:

#10: The Gnasher Shotgun (Gears of War)

I could probably make a countdown of stupid weapons just in the Gears of War series, almost every gun is incredibly stupid when you think about it.  But, I ended up choosing the shotgun because it’s so heavily used in the series. 

Shotguns are a staple of video games, they offer lots of power in close quarters.  However, the shotgun from Gears of War has an effective range of about five feet.  Anything much further than that and you might as well be throwing rocks.  Sure, the shotgun does tons of damage to anyone within five feet, but so does every weapon in the history of weapons.

#9: Every gun in Devil May Cry

Every time Dante fires his guns I'm reminded of this

The guns of Devil May Cry definitely look cool, but they are useless because they do almost no damage. To kill your average, run-of-the-mill enemy, it probably takes around 100 rounds from Dante's pistols.  Killing a boss probably takes a couple thousand.  Thousand?! Is he shooting Nerf darts?


#8: Deku Sticks (Ocarina of Time)

A Deku Stick!?!? We're saved!

The Ocarina of Time is one of the greatest games of all time and if you don’t think so, you’re wrong.  However, deku sticks are stupid and useless. You would think since they are called DEKU sticks they would be better than your average stick, but they’re not.  They catch fire like normal wood and break after one use.

#7: The Blitzball

Time to save the world

Here are some of the weapons from Final Fantasy X, a sword, a spear, and another sword.  Yep, while your friends get real weapons, Wakka gets stuck with a ball.  Don't be fooled by the "blitz" part of the name, it's not special. While giant monsters are trying to stab or eat you, Wakka is playing dodgeball.  That’s what he gets for being a giant douche (I wonder if that's his MySpace picture).

#6: Green Shells (Mario Kart)

Three Koopas had to die for this

Green shells make the list not only for being useless, but for being useless while its cousins (red and blue shells) are so awesome.  Hitting someone with a green shell is extremely hard because you're moving,  the other racer is moving, and the green shell is too.  That's a lot of variables to account for, so unless someone is directly in front of you, it's almost all luck.  You're probably just as likely to hit yourself.  Green shells are only somewhat useful because they can block incoming attacks, then again, so can banana peels.

#5: Pee snowball (South Park)

Just pretend it's yellow

Released in 1998, the South Park video game is long forgotten first-person shooter, but still deserves a spot on this countdown.  As expected, the game had almost exclusively stupid weapons, including a cow launcher, dodge balls, and a toilet plunger launcher. Ultimately, I had to give the spot to pee snowballs for turning one of the game's few normal(ish) weapons into something ridiculous.  In South Park, normal snowballs are the game's first weapons.  You can throw them quickly but they don't do much damage.  Pee snowballs are the secondary fire, they take a while to reload but deal out more damage to the bloodthirsty turkey, alien, or genocidal toy you are fighting.


#4: AT-AT/AT-ST (Star Wars)

I think they are going to make out

I’m cheating a little bit on this one because the AT-AT and AT-ST are A: originally from a movie and B: not strictly weapons, but both have appeared in numerous games and I couldn’t resist including them in the countdown.

In The Empire Strikes Back the AT-AT strikes fear into the hearts of the rebels.  They are heavily armored and blow through the rebel defenses like they are made out of paper machete.  Honestly, I can’t figure out why.  For starters, the AT-AT’s move slower than a pregnant cow, the rebels could have run in the opposite direction and been fine, even running sideways would have been fine because the AT-AT’s would take several hours just to turn.  Furthermore, AT-AT’s have a bigger blind spot than Helen Keller.

The AT-ST’s made appearances in both Empire and Return of the Jedi and are equally as useless.  The so-called “Chicken Walkers” move slightly quicker than the AT-AT’s and have a smaller blind spot but I think I stiff breeze would blow one over.  A group of mini bears manage to defeat a legion of stormtroopers and AT-ST’s by using bows and arrows, rocks, and a rope to trip one.

What makes the AT-AT and AT-ST even dumber is that they exist in a galaxy armed with lightsabers, planet-destroying spaceships, and Faster-Than-Light travel.

#3: The Needler (Halo)

If Lady Gaga were a space marine she would use something like this

The Halo series convinced me that The Convenant is probably the worst managed evil empire of all time.  They consistently fall for the same tricks, kick out their most effective race, and their rulers’ official policy is, “let’s blow ourselves, along with everything else in the galaxy to oblivion because we say so.”  Therefore, it’s no surprise that their government probably spent billions of alien dollars trying to develop the most useless gun they could think up.  Why use plasma rifle, energy swords, or giant spaceships when you can use a weapon that shoots pink needles at 25 mph and only does any real damage if at least ten hit someone?

#2: The Gunblade (Final Fantasy VIII)

I wonder if Japan's actual army uses these

Originally introduced in Final Fantasy VIII, the gunblade gets bonus points for combining two perfectly effective weapons, the sword and the gun, into one gigantic piece of crap.  If the Gunblade could actually shoot bullets it might have some redeeming qualities, but it can’t even do that. It holds rounds, but don’t be deceived, when the trigger is pulled a vibration travels throughout the gun and that somehow makes the sword do more damage. Imagine trying to hold onto that while having a sword fight. It’s no wonder that one of FFVIII’s characters decides to use his fists as a weapon.

#1: The Klobb (Goldeneye)

There was never any doubt what would top this list.  Originally from Goldeneye, the Klobb is the only weapon to become a cultural icon due to its shittiness.  Here are some of its definitions from Urbandictionary:

"Another way of saying something is worthless or bad"

"Can also be used in place of skank or other derogatory word"

"A Soviet gun specifically designed to miss its target"

"A punk-ass gun"

While the shotgun from Gears of War may have been shitty for having a five-foot effective range, the Klobb beats that by having a zero-foot effective range.  But if you ever manage to actually shoot someone with a Klobb, don’t worry, it does about as much damage as an airsoft gun.