8.04.2011

The 10 Most Ridiculous Video Game Characters

This list began as "The 10 Worst Video Game Characters of All-Time" but I came to realize that the characters I had chosen weren't bad per-say.  Bad characters would make their games worse and I don't think these do.  They are just ridiculous.


#10: Johnny Cage (Mortal Kombat)
Why does he have a door-knocker on his crotch?
As one of the original fighters in the Mortal Kombat series, Johnny Cage is one of gaming's most cherished douche bags.  With his hair, apparent spray-on tan, flamboyant clothing, and 1% body fat, he looks like a reject from the Jersey Shore.  If you still doubt Cage's douchery, consider one of his trademark attacks, the Nut Breaker, in which he does the splits and punches his opponent in the groin (it only works on male opponents).  

I wonder if this has something to do with the door knocker...

#9: The Cast of Bulletstorm
DICKS!
Honestly, I haven’t played Bulletstorm, but the characters spew the most ridiculous dialogue in the history of video games.  Actually, they may have the most ridiculous dialogue in the history of anything. Here are some highlights:

"I’m not interested in quantifying how much abuse your ass is built for"

"Ah dick-tits! this shit is happening!"

"Here comes Butterdick Jones"


Is it weird that video made me want to play Bulletstorm?


#8: Hard Man (Mega Man)
I'd be angry too if my name was Hard Man
Come on Capcom!! You are making this way too easy.  I realize thinking of new enemies is difficult, Clown Man is weird, Plant Man shoot flowers, and Dust Man is a… vacuum (I think), but Hard Man?!  His name makes fun of itself.  As the cherry on top, defeating Hard Man gives Mega Man the ability to fist people.  I hope this is intentional.

#7 Anthony and Benjamin Carmine (Gears of War)




Anthony makes an appearance in the first Gears of War while Benjamin shows up in the sequel.  They wear identical armor, have the same voice actor, and die unheroic deaths early in their respective games. So Anthony and Benjamin are essentially the same person.  I just can't figure out exactly what their purpose in the series is.  


In order to serve as comedic relief you have to be funny and if all you do is die it has to be an amusing death (Kenny).  Anthony is shot in the face with a sniper while Benjamin falls out of a helicopter, nothing funny or important to the plot.  Maybe the Carmines serve as a cautionary tale to those who don't use steroids or to any Italians fighting in a war against genocidal subterranean reptiles.  More likely, since  Anthony and Benjamin are two of the few characters in the series who wear helmets, they are there to inform gamers that bandanas, goggles, cowboy hats, and hair serve as better protection.

#6 Donkey Kong

What ultimately put DK on the list is the 'Donkey Kong Rap' from Donkey Kong 64 aka the most miserable collection of lyrics in the history of music.  My favorite line is, "His coconut gun can fire in spurts. If he shoots ya, it's gonna hurt!"  


On a side note, while reading the Donkey Kong franchise Wikipedia article I found an amusing passage:

" MCA Universal sued Nintendo over copyright violations, claiming that Donkey Kong was a copy of King Kong. Nintendo's lawyer, Howard Lincoln, who would go on to become a Senior Vice President of the company, discovered that Universal didn't own the copyright to King Kong either, and was able to not only win the lawsuit (as well as several court appeals), but get Universal to pay the legal costs. Ironically, it was MCA Universal that previously won a lawsuit declaring King Kong was in the public domain."

#5 Cait Sith (Final Fantasy VII)


Yep, that’s a cat riding on the back of a giant pink stuffed animal.  Oh, and Cait Sith is armed with a megaphone.  Compare that to Barret, another Final Fantasy VII character, he has a gun instead of a right arm.  I don’t know what else to say.

#4 Tingle (Zelda series)
Just looking at him makes me uncomfortable
No list of the most ridiculous video game characters would be complete without Tingle, who made his first appearance in 2000’s Majora’s Mask.  Tingle is described as a “short, pauncy 35-year old man who is obsessed with forest fairies and dresses up in a green costume.”   Tingle, “is also known for his catchphrase: “Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah!”  For some inexplicable reason he is very popular in Japan and as a result he is the only Zelda character to appear in his own spin-off game: Freshly-Picked Tingle’s Rosy Rupeeland. 


Way more uncomfortable now


#3 Simon Belmont (Castlevania)
How long does it take you to get dressed in the morning?


The Belmonts are the most badass family in the history of gaming.  They are like the Mannings if Peyton, Eli, and Archie killed Dracula and other evil beings instead of throwing footballs.  Therefore, you would think as the first of the Belmont vampire hunters Simon would be some mind-blowingly awesome man who shoots lasers out of his eyes and eats nails for breakfast.  Instead, he looks like a drag queen who got into a fight with a lawnmower.  I hope Blade beats Simon up and takes his lunch money at vampire hunter conventions.

#2 Lester (Lester the Unlikely)



Lester is the protagonist from 1993’s Lester the Unlikely who is described as “kind of geeky” and “kind of sleepy.”  Here he is in action:




#1 Falco, Peppy, and Slippy (Star Fox)



It’s ridiculous that Falco, Peppy, and Slippy are the best pilots the planet Corneria has to offer. I have to assume they were competing against people who are blind, missing at least three limbs, or both.

Falco is the most ungrateful asshole ever.  When Fox destroys an enemy fighter on Falco’s tail, the douche doesn’t say “Thank you.”  Instead he says, “Gee, I’ve been saved by Fox.  How swell.”  WHAT?!  If that’s how Falco responds to someone who just saved his life I want to know what he would have said to whomever tried to kill him.  
So much attitude

Peppy is the king of useless comments.  His only pieces of advice in dangerous situations are to either “Do a barrel roll!” or “Use bombs wisely.”  Meanwhile, Peppy used to fly with Fox’s deceased father and likes to make comments like, “You’re becoming more like your father,” just to remind Fox that his father is dead.  Also, if Slippy is in trouble, instead of helping, Peppy just says, “Quit dinkin’ around, Slip!”  I’m assuming none of you know what “dinkin” means (I didn’t) so I took the liberty of looking it up on UrbanDctionary.com. Dinkin is the act of embodying all aspects of things gangsta.  Thanks Peppy.



Falco is an ass and Peppy is unhelpful but at least they can go more than ten second without needing help.  Slippy is so bad that he actually drags the rest of the team down.  If the Star Fox team recruited me I would be more helpful than Slippy because I would immediately crash my spaceship and rid the rest of the pilots of my constant calls for help.  


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